so the other morning...

Transient

like one of the first mornings back to school (they have all run together in a haze of early morningness), rosie wasn’t feeling well. and instead of taking the time to straighten her hair (which is VERY important in middle school world), millie decided to lay on the couch and cuddle with rosie to make her feel better. they were laying on the couch in the playroom and i was at the kitchen sink with a window right in front of me and right over them. as i listened to millie try to cheer her sister up with songs and jokes and general loveyness, i was reminded that when rosie is millie’s age, millie will be gone away. either at a)college or b) juvie or c) home for unwed mothers, who knows? let’s just assume it is choice a) college...

and that made my heart hurt just for a couple of hours, or days, or maybe even it still is hurting from that and i don’t really want to admit it because admitting it is the first step to healing and i don’t want that to heal. 

i want it to hurt a bit. so that every time she speaks to me i remember that hurt and i listen to her and i look in those eyes that are so much like mine that it scares me sometimes. 

every time she asks me for the 487th time “does this outfit look good?” that i actually look at the outfit and am excited about answering the question. 

every time she wants me to come and see something on the computer that she made, i want to run to the computer and see the cute notecard she created and not be jealous that she is really going to be better than me at this very soon.

i want the hurt to make me kind and gentle and patient when i teach her to drive in a few months. though if she never learns to drive, she will never be able to leave me without me driving her away (that has some kind of double meaning)... hmmm....

and every time we have those mother/daughter moments (and if you are a mother or a daughter you KNOW those moments), i want that hurt to make me take a deeper breath and calm myself down and speak to her in a loving way that shows her that i maybe do understand what she is going through just a little tiny bit.

i can’t believe that the words LEAVING and LOVING are spelled so similarly... there has got to be something wrong with that. of course LIVING and LOVING are also very similar and you can’t spell LEAVE without lea...

that had NOTHING to do with this little thought of the day. but then again, most of my thoughts have nothing to do with actual thinking...