from limeade to STD in 3.5 seconds...

with that title i have either gained 465 new blog readers or lost my 3 faithful readers...

alternate title... “i will have to find a new publix to frequent”

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ok, so it all began quite innocently enough in checkout lane 5 this afternoon (why do all my stories begin innocently enough? after a while you think i would get the idea that NOTHING i do starts innocently when i am involved). good friday afternoon in publix. no kids, just me getting some items for the weekend. one item being key lime juice to make key lime pie (my dad’s favorite, see what a good person i am?). 

cashier says, “is this for limeade?”

me, “no, key lime pie. do you like limeade?” (see how nice i am? are you keeping this in mind for later? please file away my niceness, you will need to remember it very very soon.)

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and yes, he likes limeade and i recommend simply limeade brand and tell him that i have a great drink to make with it.

he raises and eyebrow, “i bet it involves alcohol”

me, “no, half unsweetened iced tea and half limeade. better for you than alcohol and no regrets involved.”

him, “good because i hate the taste of alcohol.”

me, “good, that makes it easier to not drink it.”

him, “yeah, but they make it look so good in all the ads on TV.”

(this is where i begin to lose my mind and talk like a crazy sunday school teacher woman)

me, “of course they do, that’s their job. they also make herpes look like a walk on the beach. (yes, in checkout lane 5 i said HERPES and i kept talking not realizing that everyone’s eyes were NOW fully fixated on my face and all of the people behind me and in several other aisles were paying rapt attention to every word after i said HERPES in checkout lane 5)

me continuing because i am WAY into my point now to stop and consider the consequences of saying HEREPES in checkout lane 5, “you know i think it is crazy that they make a temporary little cold look like it could kill you, but HERPES which never goes away ever ever and can drastically change your life, they make it like it is no big deal and you can totally control it with drugs which isn’t really true and the whole time in the commercial they are playing this really sweet romantic music about living life your own way.” 

i now take a well needed breath and notice the incredible silence in publix. the stifling, embarrassing silence, like perhaps some lady is ranting about HERPES in checkout lane 5. the only merciful thing was that as i looked around NO children were present. God is too good to idiots like me.

checkout guy, “good point, but weren’t we talking about alcohol?”

(i have now come to my senses)

me, “yeah, but sometimes too much alcohol leads to that other thing.” (there is NO way that i am going to say HERPES again in the checkout lane 5).

and i swear 4 other people all said YEAH under their breath after that comment, but i can’t be totally sure because the FLAMING FEELNG moving toward my face was taking all of my attention.

anyway, as i am pushing my cart to my car an older woman comes up to me and says, “that was such a great point that you made. and i know that you must have some personal issues to deal with and i am very sorry that you have to deal with that.”

it took me 5 minutes in the car before i could figure out what she meant....

i have to find a new grocery store....

i have to filter my speech...

i might want to take up drinking...

nah, because as we all learned in checkout lane 5, that could lead to some disease...