if you can't beat 'em, cut 'em where it hurts...

here is the email that i got from my friend robyn (mom to those adorable three year old twins, anna camden and adelaide) regarding a “care” package i had sent them....

Transient

there is just none sweeter than lea! (those of you who know her will enthusiastically agree.)  she mailed us the most amazing "back to school care packages!"  they were packaged in these perfectly adorable boxes with everyone's names on them. (mine had an entire bag of chocolates in it!)  the girls call their boxes (sans chocoate, thanks lea) their "lea lea boxes" and they will play with their contents for upwards of 30 minutes at a time, uninterrupted.  i marvel at her wisdom at choosing each item as the combination of these items makes my children focus as if they were watching dora the explorer or some other subliminal crack for children.  she spared no expense and thought of EVERYTHING!!!  including the most thoughtful gift of all - the precious little green fiskars scissors!   made just for fat little preschool fingers...."first scissors."  2 perfect pairs of little green starter scissors.

one surprisingly little lesser known fact about those scissors is how REMARKABLY sharp they are!!  yet they look so tiny and so benign and so sweet!

until............anna camden cut her hair with them!!!!!!!!!!!!!  you knew it would be anna camden.  i had actually earlier put the hair in front up in a little pony tail that stuck (past tense) up like a little sprout on her cute little head.  her bangs were partially swept up in this little pigtail.  and its that very sprout-like pigtail that she apparently couldn't resist CUTTING with her precious little green fiskars starter scissors!!! 

school pictures are in 19 days (thanks for doing the math for me, amy.)

i am debating on whether i should just mail the hair to lea or keep it here with me to scrapbook.  you know, i really should send her the hair and make her make the damn scrapbook page!!!!  (she is the fastest scrapbooker i have ever known, able to create upwards of 200 double page spreads in a single weekend....)

actually, i am surprised that anna camden cut her own hair and not adelaide's....and for that and for lea i am truly thankful!!  thanks be to God!

love,

robyn

here is my response...

here is the truth people. i am not ashamed of the tale, it is a tale as old as the ancient greeks and full of passion and woe and deception and scissors...

after spending time with the girls this summer and seeing how cute they were, i KNEW my children could NOT compete with that cuteness. in fact the straw that broke the camel's back is that MY parents proudly displayed adelaide and anna camden photos on their refrigerator- where the picture of MY children should have been, THEY TOOK MY CHILDREN'S PLACE ON THE FRIDGE, this very fact alone haunted me, made me seethe with jealousy, i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat (OK, so that is a bit of an exaggeration). i found comfort alone in reading greek mythology (in the ancient greek language, my kids may not have that shirley cuteness, but by golly, they will be smart)...

and then it was right there in front of me, in the pages of the ancient tale of woe and war and horses and heels. THIS WAS JUST LIKE THE WAR BETWEEN THE SPARTANS AND THE TROJANS! if you saw the movie TROY with brad pitt, you will remember this story (if you weren't looking at brad pitt the whole time). recall with me... wimpy paris of troy wanted that beauty helen of troy (the face that launched a thousand ships) and so he took her from  her hubby, king menelaus of sparta. he took her to the walled city of troy and the thousand ships (one of which held king odysseus and this was just a part of his whole odyssey which was named ironically AFTER HIM) came to troy to fight. and fight they did, for about ten years. achilles (paris' brother and the guy who couldn't be killed except for those pesky weak ankles) died in this epic war as did a bunch of other extras. and at the end there was the whole "we thought the army left and lookie at this lovely parting gift, a wooden horse! let's take it inside our impenetrable walls and then all party hearty and then go to sleep and be killed in our sleep" scene at the end. of course it is WAY more interesting in the ancient greek language (or if brad pitt is half naked in the movie, which he is a LOT)...

so you see how it all played out in modern times, robyn had stolen something from me JUST as that upstart paris stole helen of troy from king menelaus of sparta. the similarities were too ironic. i HAD the cute children right in my hand, robyn came to the banquet, saw my children's cuteness and then had CUTER children who now said CUTER things like "i a baby catapilla". i read the ancient myth with new eyes and a nefarious plan developed.... 

now king menelaus made a grave error in judgement, he misjudged the strength of troy's walls and the the whole achilles and his immortal fighting strength, well, i would learn this lesson. i didn't want to spend 10 years defending my children's cuteness, i am not a patient woman. i would jump right into the end of the story when the spartans were victorious and copy that good part and WIN this battle with one act of brilliance. i would bring down the empire with one little box of goodies delivered by the UPS man (who may or may not have looked like brad pitt, i didn't see him)....

i retreated (staying in tallahassee) and i sent in a trojan horse to be the downfall of the shirley empire. i sent what will henceforth and forever be called the "fiskars preschool first scissors". just as the trojan horse looked like a happy parting gift of victory, my gift of the lea lea boxes looked innocent and like i was a good friend celebrating the start of the school year. but these boxes were carefully designed to look innocent and yet to WIN MY WAR and take back the cuteness for my own children.

i knew the chocolate would put robyn in a sugar stupor (just as the spartans KNEW their sudden departure would make the armies of troy spend the night in food and frolic and drinking heavily so they would all be asleep). and once robyn was preoccupied with her little craft items in the box (her "achilles heel" as this case may be), she was unaware that the scissors were creeping out and whispering to anna camden "cuttttttt yoooooooooooooooour cute ponnnnnnnnnnnnnytaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllll offffffffffffffffffffff"." and as the battle was lost  swiftly and silently in ancient troy.... so it was in modern bluffton. 

those school pictures will tell an epic tale of love and loss and thievery and trickery and perfect timing before picture day. now MY children's school pictures will once more grace the refrigerator of grandparents in their rightful place of honor and adoration. it is all as it should be in ancient greece and in tallahassee....