earlier this week i got a phone call from the middle school. it was millie. she was crying (or so it sounded to me) and was trying to talk as fast as possible and i finally figured out that she had walked straight into a pole at school and had hit it hard. she was listening intently and looking at her friend who was walking with her. i asked if i needed to come and get her and she said “no, i am fine”. her voice was so strange and when i asked her if she was crying, she said, “i don’t know what i am doing. i am laughing because it was really funny that i ran into that pole, and i am crying because it hurt really bad. i called just because i knew talking to you would make me feel better.”
this morning, i thought about that as i thought about this last week which has been really tough. it was a busy week calendar wise to begin with, several additional activities on top of my fragile nerves do not make for an easy ride. so this morning, i was trying to get a handle on my emotions and determined that i felt just like millie did earlier this week. i am amused by how funny life can be, laughing at all the good memories that i have and smiling at the good future that i KNOW God is preparing for those who love Him, i am cared for by so many friends and loved ones and it helps when i talk to them, and yet it hurts like heck because i ran smack dab head first into a pole and i still feel like i am reeling from that shock and the way my life has been changed forever with my mother’s death.
it hit me when i got two wedding invitations this week that she won’t attend my children’s weddings. she won’t even see all three of my children all dressed up for jo jo’s wedding in april. she was so looking forward to seeing millie and rosie in their adorable bridesmaid and flower girly dresses. i had meant to show her rosie’s dress online, it is so gorgeous, but i didn’t show it to her the last few times she was at my house... i kept forgetting to do that.
does that really matter? i know it doesn’t. but it is just one of those countless little things that i keep thinking about everyday. one of the poles i keep running into with my head, all the things i will miss her seeing. they make my head hurt. i know she has much grander sights to see in heaven and that she isn’t missing out on ANYthing with all that going on. so i laugh and smile for i know that she is happy, my heart is content, but my head still hurts from hitting that darn pole so hard...
on a completely other note... millie as district science fair today (she won first place in her area at school). she has to be at fsu all day to show her project. of course, she has put together a WHOLE new outfit to match her science fair project board colors (hot pink and black). as she put it this morning, “i am bringing cuteness to science, i am just like a missionary.” yeah, her love of science she gets from her dad, she gets her spiritual depth from me, but that sense of style is ALL her own.