to tell her goodbye when i left her room at hospice a few minutes ago.
it has been a long 48 hours, most of which were spent up there with mom and family. my friend and former neighbor, karen (and former HOSPICE NURSE... how great is God?) flew to tallahassee today to be with us this weekend and help in any way. she was with me at mom’s bedside tonight and was able to really read the signs that her body is giving that she is getting ready to shed this fragile and frail thing we call our flesh and move on to something much more permanent.
mom is so peaceful and still so beautiful. you have to almost lay your hand on her to feel her breathing, but even that is special.
because karen (the former HOSPICE NURSE... again, let’s give a shout out to God) was there, dad felt like he could go home and get some sleep tonight and all would be under control with our own private nurse on duty (and one more praise for that AWESOME GOD THAT WE SERVE).
when we got home and i told karen that i forgot to tell mom goodbye, she said, ... “do we need to get in the car and go back?” (now a friend who says that to you at 2 a.m. is a REAL friend). but i told her that i thought that was just satan trying to condemn me and accuse me of not being good enough. when really it isn’t me being good enough that is the answer to any of this. it is the fact that God is good enough, and it is His grace that covers me even when i fail to tell someone goodbye that i have kissed, and held hands with, and rubbed lotion on, and cried over, and told time and time again how very much i love her in the last 10 days enough times to last a lifetime, enough times to last until i tell her again in eternity.
God is enough (what i do will NEVER be enough), but what i have done for mom is enough because i have done it out of an overflowing love and gratefulness, not out of guilt, not remorse, not regret, not even duty, but pure love. and not only love for her... more so a love for the One who gave her to me.
do i love the gift He gave me in her?... yes, i do.
do i love the Giver of that gift even more? yes, and yes again. i love Him more, i trust Him more, i thank Him more. He is the Giver, the Sustainer, the place my eyes are fixed. not on my mom and what i do and don’t do for her... but on Him and what He is doing for His glory. fix my eyes, not on the gifts He gives (though they are plenty) but on the One who Gives...
Hebrews 12: 1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
not saying goodbye tonight, will not make me lose heart. it will make me thank the One who makes this goodbye a GOOD bye because He is Good.