santa's little helper?

let me just tell you that one of the reasons why i believe in God is that He did not allow this “elf on a shelf” craze to happen until AFTER my children were too old for me to get into this little quicksand pit of insanity. in case you haven’t heard about the elf on the shelf, he comes with a book and a whole back story of how he comes to your house and you set him on a shelf and he watches you all day (stalker) and then flies to the north pole every night and reports to santa (jailhouse snitch) and then he comes back to your house and sets himself up in a different location in your house (kind of forgetful. hmmmm hope he isn’t forgetting all the GREAT things i did all day when he reports to santa). then you have to find him in the morning. at first glance that seems fun. but i know how traditions can turn on you... oh yes, i know.

because then you get on-line and see all the EXCITING things that EVERYONE else’s elf is up to at night...

irst of all, WHO IS COHERENT ENOUGH AT NIGHT to think of all of these ideas? 

i find it difficult to play scrabble with real people. now all the action figures can beat me at scrabble? who can sleep with that defeat in your head?

by the time i go to bed i have finally cleaned up my kitchen, folded the laundry and put a semblance of order to the house SOME ELF IS GOING TO COME AND WRECK IT just because he wants to sip syrup (and who knows what else he is doing once he is high on sugar) with barbie????? no thank you.

when does he have time to report to santa if he is out buying doughnuts at night? and who’s wallet did he plunder to go and procure those doughnuts? things are already tight enough in budget land that no elf needs to be stealing “dough” out of my wallet at night...

since i am rarely the last one in bed at my house, i already wake up to cute little vignettes left by my very own late night elves. popcorn bowls left with only the kernels in them on the coffee table. every light left on in the front of the house. papers scattered from one end of the room to the other. dished piled in the sink when i had cleaned the sink and it was empty and shining right before i went to bed. do i really need something else to clean up in the morning? another “surprise” mess. i think not. i have enough surprises in the morning when i look at my face in the mirror. i don’t need an elf to freak me out also.

so it is the wisdom of God that this elf thing didn’t come around earlier during my children’s more formative holiday tradition years. i would have been SO ALL OVER IT like rudolph on a foggy Christmas eve. and it would have made for some fun moments. for the first three days of december. until you had to check me into the crazy farm because i never slept and i was out all day buying doughnuts and gingerbread men that can grow from “magic elf seeds” that the elf brings. it all sounds fun. and exhausting. and crazy mommy making.

it would have been just one more thing that i could not have kept up with as well as the “other moms” (who must put their kids to bed at 6:00 p.m.). i shudder to think of all the times i would forget about the elf as i collapsed into bed at night only to awaken for a potty break at 4 a.m., remember about elphie, and stumble around creating a new, unique, eye popping vignette. i am sure that by december 20th that little guy would be posed hanging himself because mommy got fed up with 4 a.m. elf scene staging... and then i would have blamed it on the children. “guess he couldn’t bear reporting what he had seen yesterday to santa. he took your fighting with each other pretty hard”. oh, the therapy bills that God has saved us from...

when the “cleaning fairy on a vacuum” comes out and every night she cleans something up in your house while keeping her *&*$*% mouth shut about all the things she saw you do (or not do) all day, then i will be first in line to procure that item. until then keep that elf away from me. and keep my kitchen clean until morning.