today...

Transient

i walked past millie’s room. reached in to turn off her light (of course it was left on. NO ONE in my house can turn off lights except me. it is like i am the only one with a license to turn off lights and they are all not authorized to touch a light switch) and i saw her desk (which is thankfully against the wall where you can’t see it from the door.) 

this is exactly how it looks. not to mention that then i noticed some items on her floor. clothing. she likes to “try out” her outfits the night before. and try out several outfits. in case in the morning she doesn’t “feel” like the outfit she choose the night before. it is all very 17 and i am all very 44. and 44 year olds don’t try out outfits at night. we go to bed. at least that is what this 44 year old does.

when i looked back at her desk, i had this exact thought in kind of a snarky way ( know “snarky” is more a 17 year old’s word but in vocab i am younger than i am in style).... “in two years this room will look perfect.”

and then i repeated those same words back to myself in a not-so-snarky way. in the way that it should have been said in the first place. in a sad way... “in two years this room will look perfect.” because by then she will be gone. 

so i grabbed my camera and took a picture of her desk. the way it looked today. it looks different through tears. it looks less bothersome. and more like she is here. which she is. for now. and that is better than perfection. it is real.

the end.

p.s. perhaps i should take a gander at this book... A Perfectly Kept House is the Sign of A Misspent Life: How to live creatively with collections, clutter, work, kids, pets, art, etc... and stop worrying about everything being perfectly in its place.