give the people what they want...

and they want cute easter photos...

and i have the power to deliver the cuteness. so here you go...

though you slay me... i am #blessed

i have come to hate the #blessed. if you don't know what a hashtag (#) is... don't worry. Jesus still loves you. just not as much as he loves me #causeiamthequeenofthehashtag and #iamHisfavorite. except i am not so gung ho for that cursed #blessed hashtag. i see it mostly on photos of happy families. wonderfully sweet children. looking so perfect in their easter outfits (that match. oh, i remember those sweet days. so do my children. in their therapy sessions. and nightmares. hence their therapy sessions. enough said.) #butilovedthosedays. i felt so #blessed. so #gotitalltogether. so #bestmomever. standing in front of those easter crosses filled with flowers. sigh.

but maybe i have the wrong image of #blessed...

“They gave our Master a crown of thorns. Why do we hope for a crown of roses?” Martin Luther

maybe a bunch of us have the wrong image of what #blessed really looks like. standing in front of flowery crosses... because we aren't reading our Bible enough. (that is certainly my problem.)

here is what Jesus said was #blessed (in matthew chapter 5 from the message...)

You’re #blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

You’re #blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

You’re #blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

You’re #blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.

You’re #blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.

You’re #blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

You’re #blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.

You’re #blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.

Not only that—count yourselves #blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me.

i can only imagine the #blessed that would have come if there had been tweeting during the ancient ages...

@josephwithswagariificcloak: thrown in jail.  for resisting potiphar's hot and hot to trot wife. and for indecent exposure. #notmyfault #blessed

@jobwizardofuz: all kids and livestock dead. fortune lost AND i got a nasty skin condition now. #itchy #blessed

@virginmary: pregnant. not married. a bit of a scandal. #blessed

@thejewformerlyknownassaul: shipwrecked again (how is there wifi?) but #blessed

@peterhatesroosters: in prison. again. hope someone is praying. #blessed

@silasandsaul: guess where we are? PRISON. singing loud and proud. #blessed #letitgo

@johnlovelocusts: herod isn't really digging my message. #blessed

@noahontheboat: i cannot believe all these rabbits. #blessed #theyshouldmakeamovieofthis

last easter when i had entered the house of mourning for a very close friend who had lost ANOTHER son (one died when he was three. this one was a college freshman driving home for his dad's birthday) the first person i saw was this friend's mother. the boys' grandmother. a woman who i had known my whole life. i had grown up eating navy bean soup in her kitchen EVERY time she made it. because her daughter would call me when she made it. #nowthatisfriendship i saw this woman, this grandmother, this mother, this friend and i hugged her and had no words. but she had words. she came close to my ear and whispered them in a voice so quiet that i almost couldn't hear them. that was all the strength she had. and all that she could manage to say was this...

"He must really love us. Jesus must really love us."

and something in me wanted to yell...

what kind of love is that? how do we call that #blessed? to mourn the life of a young man who had the world by its tail? everything to live for? what kind of #blessed is it to lose a son?

the absurdity of what i wanted to yell hit me hard then. it hits me hard now. 

that is a question to ask only the God who counted it worthy Himself to lose a Son. who slayed His own flesh. for our #blessed. so we could stand in front of a cross of flowers in lovely dresses. because He hung on a thorny, dry, dusty splintered cross. naked. 

i am #blessed. even when He is the God who gives and takes away. ESPECIALLY when He takes away i am #blessed. because it keeps me at His cross. clinging only to Him...

though He slay me. i am #blessed. THROUGH his slaying of me, i am #blessed.

that is the Good News. that is the Hard News. that is the Only News from me...

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who's broken
The one who's torn me apart
You struck down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I'll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I'll know every tear was worth it all

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need

Though tonight I'm crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You're still all that I need
You're enough for me
You're enough for me

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need
Sing a song to the one who's all I need

dear belmont university...

thank you. we brought you our firstborn beloved daughter, millie marshall, in august. and you are returning her to us a far better young woman. well, really i could stop there. but as ANYONE who knows me would tell you... i won't be stopping there. i will be excessively wordy and effusive in my praise. so hang on. it's going to be a grammatically incorrect, long, and perhaps a bumpy ride...

you made us a lot of promises when we first looked at belmont. and on our subsequent visits to your campus. then again in the summer at traditions weekend. and then once again when we handed our beloved first born to you in the fall...

and i have to say without restraint (because God know i have NO RESTRAINT in me) that you have delivered on those promises. every. single. one.

we thought you might be slightly exaggerating about the "engaged learning" stuff. but you were VERY serious. the professors are proactive about engaging the students in discussions. those promised small classes where students really get to know their professors? that is not a rumor. that is not something that happens only sometimes. that happens almost every time. millie has met with professors to talk about class, grades, how to bring up a grade (amen), or what they thought she should take the next semester. she has talked to them as she saw them on campus. or hanging out in parks. they have been real. approachable. caring. wise. funny. and kind.

i was only slightly skeptical that maybe you weren't as "academically challenging" as you thought. (i did go to furman university. my grades show that it was exceedingly academically challenging. or maybe i was just not attending EVERY class EVERY day with the best of intentions.) but in ONE year my girl has read some of the weightiest and thoughtiest (ok, not a real word so don't look it up) essays and books AND SHE HAS UNDERSTOOD THEM. she has written more than she ever thought possible. more than anyone thought was humanly possible. AND GOTTEN DARN GOOD AT IT. she has eaten, slept, and maybe even showered (?) in the library for days. only to be confused when she saw the green trees and grass upon emerging from the stacks. i think she might have spent more time with lila d. bunch than with her roommate. 

you have required her to think deeply about things. not to just choose the best answer from a multiple choice standpoint or true/false bubble in the answers. but it has been vital for her to FORMULATE, POSTULATE, and DEFEND her answers. to think critically. to think objectively. subjectively. creatively. the think carefully. because you are showing her that how she thinks matters...

she has made friends from every state in the USA. ok, not EVERY state. but a whole lot of them. from california. new jersey, ohio, pennsylvania, chicago (which i am fully aware isn't a state. but spelling illinois is hard.) she has cooked boiled peanuts for her friends because she was the only one who had ever heard of such a thing. HOW HAVE THEY LIVED?!?!? her world has grown larger than tallahassee, florida. her world has grown larger than her own needs, wants, desires. 

you said that belmont was a place where she could "explore her passions" and by golly she has fulfilled that requirement. gladly. by attending every musical concert in a 30 mile radius. (not country. pop. or anything mainstream. concerts by bands with strange names like "diarrhea planet." sigh.) many of these were "home shows" or special appearances in a record store or other venue. most were less than $10. she has heard a HUGE variety of music on and off campus. she has enjoyed lectures by donald miller (okay, she didn't LOVE those. but i loved hearing about them.) and even woke up at 6:30 IN THE MORNING to attend a lecture by one of her heroes, malcolm gladwell. and had him autograph a book for her gladwellian super fan mother. SHE EVEN ATTENDED A FEW BASKETBALL GAMES. i don't know how you managed to make that appealing to her. but you did. oh belmont, you are amazing.

she has fallen in love with philosophy. totally. freakingly. in. love. she will be taking her third philosophy class in the fall. when she came home for winter break, immediately headed for the book store, and hit up the classics section. buying books that her professor had mentioned as his favorites. WHAT?!??!!? over the break? reading unassigned classical literature? WHAT HAST THOU DONE TO HER ADLED BRAIN??!?

there seems to be a brand spankin' new appreciation for all the meals she turned her nose up here at home. she actually texts me about food that i make that she dreams about. she uses the word "caf" as an expletive. which is normal for a college student. and A TRUE VICTORY FOR MOMS WHO COOK DINNER! she finally realizes the importance of fruit in a healthy diet. i won't expound on that discovery.

now she likes to walk every where. a true "city girl" where a 20-30 minute walk is nothing. that's just a trip to grimey's record store. or to that adorable popsicle place. or jenni's ice cream. she spends time with friends laying around on blankets in parks. eats strange items from food trucks. and hasn't visited a mall in ages. shops locally. buys "used" clothing when necessary. however i will add the caveat that her bongo java tab might have clothed an entire debutant season for several socialites. but she has managed her limited funds well. (except for a little obsession with vinyl. hence all the trips to grimey's.) and lived her last month on about $25. don't you just love the end of the school year? she is ready, willing, and able to work a summer job and even secured one when she was home for winter break. all on her own initiative. and a desire to be able to procure more vinyl. 

she loves the winter. seriously, she loves layering clothes. we realized she was bound for a northern (to us) school when we visited university of florida on a SWELTERING february day and she said that she wouldn't attend a college where all her lovely sweaters would never be worn. and she has worn those sweaters. layered over thermals. and under a jacket. and under another coat. with a scarf. and hat. and gloves. and learned that blowing bubbles in negative temperatures is thrilling. and cheap entertainment.

she survived a romantic break-up mid year. and carried on valiantly. to date anew. and then anew again. it was fun to live vicariously through this new territory of being "taken out to dinner" or to the movies. the thrill of the chase. in a time when many boys don't make the effort, the belmont boys have wooed her kindly and respectfully. and we appreciate that. as parents. who aren't afraid to threaten to kill anyone who doesn't do right by our baby girl. my husband says he is more than willing to go back to prison... again.

we have totally appreciated the number of times she has complained about the SUPER DUPER STRICT dorm policies. "oh, that is so sad that you can't have guys in the dorm after 11. that is just really cramping your fun group movie watching isn't it?" (hee hee hee) she never heard the "hee hee hee" part. but it was there on our end. thank you for sticking to this belmont. and for your sound reasoning behind the rules... for their best chance at doing well. for their success. and the success of everyone around them as well.

one of the biggest changes i have just begun to realize is that she doesn't tell us everything RIGHT AWAY. she lets things have a few days to settle. she thinks about her response. she makes her own decisions. she wrestles in her mind and heart. and then she shares the experience. the thoughts. the decisions with us. which at first seemed strange. I WANT TO KNOW IT ALL NOW. but she is living HER life. living with the consequences of HER decisions. and we are certainly a part of that. and she asks for advice. or our wisdom. often. but she is working things out on her own first. she is growing up. becoming responsible. becoming an adult. i know there will be things she decides that we would have counseled her in a different way... but that is a part of sending her out into the world as her own self. that is our ultimate goal. not a little us sent into the world to do our bidding (but dang, that sounds nice sometimes.) but a unique individual created by God to to do things that we never even dreamed of... different things than we dreamed of. in different ways. her ways. and hopefully His ways. and you are helping her to begin to do that. in so many ways. 

and now finally there has been a solemn rite of passage as she has experienced a dear friend's recent diagnosis with a serious lifelong disease. she spent the night in that friend's room several times when she was nauseous from the medication and has loved that friend well. sacrificing her own needs and desires to be there when she needed to be there. she has learned to be a good friend and to love someone well. there are no greater lessons to be learned than those lessons. how to lay down your life and your plans for someone else...

so thank you belmont. for being more than we asked or imagined. for taking our little girl and in one year transforming her into someone that we are more proud of than ever... herself. older, wiser, gentler, more kind, more appreciative, disciplined, courageous, and ready to take a break for the summer and then head back once again into the breach... this time with one of her cousins in tow. the pichard family was so impressed with belmont (and her as their tour guide) that they decided on belmont also for their son! we have had nothing but high praise for y'all all year and are hoping for many more tallahassee students to be headed your way.

including another marshall! millie's brother, maxx will be a high school senior next year and she is already texting him almost weekly about the GREAT bands she is seeing and other belmont propaganda to convince him to join her up in nashville. we couldn't be happier...

sincerely,

lea marshall (and adam too, but he doesn't write long letters. someone has to work to pay for their daughter's wonderful college experiences.)

why i don't blog as much anymore...

...especially about my three wonderful teenagers?

i think that jamie the very worst missionary sums it up so nicely for me in her blog post I WORRY FOR THE MOMMY BLOGGERS with this quote...

There's a reason there aren't very many blogs from Moms of teens. It's because as they grow, they become like a magnifying glass to all your fatal flaws and the myriad ways you screwed them up as children. Who wants to read about that?! It's depressing.

it isn't always depressing. like this weekend was the prom. and it was fun to be the mom. maxx was a thrifty prom goer. bought his jacket at goodwill for $5. they ate at dave's pizza garage. went to what-a-burger after the dance for a little while. and our only real expense was a lovely vintage brooch that we had worked into her corsage. and that i bought at a thrift store for $20. so it was a really easy evening. and a very rewarding time as a parent. mostly because i didn't have to fight the "can i stay out all night" battle. followed on the heels by the "why the hell can't i? everyone else is? battle. and then comes the inevitable "you are the worse mom ever!!!!!" battle. by then end of those three battles you just end up shooting yourself in the foot to put you out of your misery because an open gaping bullet hole in your foot seems more pleasant than the alternative which is another battle...

but i digressed and now will just show some nice photos from the prom... as to not depress you young mothers any further. really, it does get easier as they get older (BOLD FACED LIE) and all that sleep you are missing now, you can make up when they come home from the prom at 9:45 sharp which is 15 minutes before their curfew (BOLDER FACIER LIE). but through it all if you can manage to remember that God is still good. and He is still stronger than anything in this world (or at the prom or even at the after party.) and they make drugs that help you sleep when you can't stop worrying about how you will get through the next days and there is caffeine to help you stay awake. then you will be okay. dokey-ish. so there's that hope...

it’s not everyday...

our friends, the hale family, came to town a few weekends ago. seems that once you win an emmy and mention your hometown that you are suddenly a hot ticket for speaking in said home town. who knew? the hales were in town because the FAMOUS friend of my youthful days, tony hale (remember to be nice to your friends and their families because you never know when your best friend’s little pesky brother will grow up TO WIN AN EMMY), talked at fsu to students. one thing he talked with the students about was his children’s book that he has written (archibald's next big thing). i have heard him give his “be content where you are or you will never be content when you get where you want to go” speech before (mostly from my couch as he and i talked about that whole concept because i am mad crazy about that whole spiel) and now i am even more excited about it being in book form. for kids. and adults. and me.

so i think it was one of those “God knows i am the village idiot” moments when what will forthwith and forever be known as my “crocodile lesson” happened the day after they left town because it was exactly like what he was talking about and what i had been thinking about as these same ole, same ole days speed by like a bullet train on speed…

the incident occurred because i am directing the musical at raa performing arts magnet middle school. peter pan. very exciting. very overwhelming. i am very unqualified. yet, i am loving (most) every moment.

i especially loved this one very significant moment…

the boy that we cast as the crocodile had to drop out. it wasn’t a really prime part. the crocodile doesn’t speak. he wears a heavy cumbersome felt costume. an unhip and unflattering crocodile green costume. but our girl who plays the dog part is pretty thrilled with her part as silent (well, barking) animal. so i asked if she would also like to play the crocodile. 

THRILLED, DELIRIOUS, ECSTATIC, RHAPSODIC, CORYBANTIC (really, that is a synonym of “thrilled”) are not strong enough words to describe her response. well, maybe corybantic is, but i have never heard of that word before in my life.

“REALLY?!?!? THE CROCODILE?!?!?!? THAT IS MY DREAM ROLE!!! why did billy drop out?!?!? who would drop out of the BEST PART OF THE PLAY?!?!?” that was her response. at about 185 decibels of teenage excitement (or corybanticness). it was heart warming. i love a gal very into her role. of the non speaking crocodile. anyway, she ended up being so adorable as the crocodile that we included her on a dance number. you should see her can-can kick as the croc. brilliant. 

so on the day that her costume was ready i happened to run into her on campus as she was going into a class. i told her that her costume was ready. her reaction was so blatantly OVER THE TOP/CORYBANTIC that her teacher told her that she could go and try it on IMMEDIATELY because it was evident to all in a 50 mile radius that no learning could take place in her brain until she had tried on that crocodile costume.

so we went and she tried it on. the heavy, unyielding, hot as blue blazes (or should that be green blazes?) crocodile suit. complete with croc hands. a croc hoodie. and croc booties. my costume gal got all up in the croc-o-dile business. and of course it fit. it would have fit 99.9% of the adult human population. it is that kind of costume. and my actress was as happy as i have ever seen a girl wearing 67 yards of green felt. compete with hoodie. and hands. and booties. 

once she was back in her regular uncroc clothes i walked her back to class. she was literally shaking while she talked about how wonderful the costume was. how great her part was. how the whole play was a dream wrapped in a vision draped with corybantic awesomeness. and i said to her, “i bet you are the happiest girl in this middle school today.” to which she responded with this little brightness of brilliance…

“i think i should be! it isn’t everyday that you get to try on a crocodile costume!”

and at that moment, i got it. the true meaning of contentment. and joy. or not hurrying toward some goal. the miracle of one everyday moment that was right now. as i held 49 pounds of felt crocodile costume in my hand. walking across an inner city magnet middle school basketball court with a teenage girl. who loves being a crocodile.

it is hard not to smile at this crocodile. despite captain hook's melodious warnings...

i actually had to stop walking. stop talking. stop her walking just so i could soak that moment in. and to really let it settle into my soul. and to stop the tears that burned my eyes. here was a girl who was loving EVERY moment of the process. she GOT TO (not “had to”) try on her costume. it was a joy. not just a step to go through to get to the BIG DAY. trying on the costume was THE BIG THING. and then coming to rehearsal was also A BIG THING. every moment was sacred. savored. every step was full of joy. 

i grabbed her hands and said, “you are so right. it isn’t every day that you get to try on a crocodile costume. let’s stand here and breathe in the awesomeness that is RIGHT NOW.” and she and i breathed. in the awesomeness. and the smell of the basketball court at an inner city middle school. and then we walked back to class. and i took that costume and hung it up so it would stay as wonderful and special as only 49 pounds of green felt can stay…

and every since that day i have tried to find a moment in the day, or several moments, that are crocodile moments… 

“it’s not everyday you get to work with 75 middle schoolers to make beautiful dramatic art.”

“it’s not everyday you watch your daughter fall in love with backstage tech work.”

“it’s not everyday you see your son's best childhood friend/former neighbor/cub scout pal become an eagle scout .”

“it’s not everyday you get to take 4 teenagers to disney world for a day.”

“it’s not everyday your college girl brings home a friend for spring break and they just enjoy hanging out at the house on the patio with the fire pit for hours.”

“it’s not everyday you get to hang out with an emmy winner at your house. and your kids think you are super cool because you are friends with him.”

every single moment is a REAL BIG moment on the path to the moments that we typically think of as the BIG moments… graduations, weddings, proms, parties, awards, birthdays, vacation, spring break, the actual performance of the play, when the play is over and life is back to “normal” (ha), whatever is the NEXT BIG THING that i think will be the thing that will make me happy. make things better. but there are hundreds, thousands, millions of moments along that way… that we “get to” experience that are the real joy of living.

because it’s not everyday that you get to try on a crocodile costume... nope, it is not. and i hope that i begin to get that a little bit more everyday. as i try to capture and breathe in all those moments that don't just have to happen everyday... but do happen... every. day.