so who here remembers last may? (heck, i don't remember what i had for breakfast this morning...)

so i will remind you of a little blog series that i did entitled and aptly represented by this faux book i made up...

i would like to revisit that topic for a moment with this teenage parenting nugget of wisdom...

EXPECT TO LOSE.

i remember people would tell me "pick your battles" when your kids are teenagers. and i did pick one battle in particular... the "NO WEARING CLOTHING WITH BAD WORDS ON IT" battle. i was going to die on that hill. and i did die on that hill. case in point... 

that is millie 5 years ago. she wanted a "south butt" jacket. it was mocking "north face" and i am totally on board with mocking. i just am not a big fan of a young girl wearing clothing that says "butt." and kind of shows a graphic image of a butt. i felt like it was inappropriate. and a bit crASS. which is funny since i have no problem typing the word ASS. or saying it in most situations. just a problem with the word butt on my daughter's clothing... i am such a hypocrite.

i fought the purchase of the infamous south butt jacket tooth and nail. i prayed over this issue. i consulted wise friends. i reasoned. i promised rewards for obedience. and then her dad/my loving husband intervened and vetoed me and let her buy and wear the jacket. EVEN TO CHURCH. she wore that jacket EVERYWHERE. just to spite me.

i cannot tell you how much it irritated me. i am not a good loser. and if the musical matilda has been out already i would have been singing this song ...

which includes these fragrant and hilarious lyrics...

the smell of rebellion, the stench of revolt , the reek of insubordination, the whiff of resistance, the pong of dissent, the funk of mutiny in action...

so you can imagine my sorrow and shame when millie handed that beauty of a jacket down to her little sister this fall...

the only thing worth than losing once is losing twice. the only thing worse than dying on a hill once is being stabbed to death on top of it again. by your baby. whilst she wears a south butt jacket.

so i join with the trunchbull from matilda singing my other favorite part from "the smell of rebellion" song...

Imagine a world with no children (or in my case "teenagers".)
Close your eyes and just dream.
Imagine. Come on - try it...
The peace and the quiet...
A babbling stream...

Now imagine a woods with a cottage,
And inside that cottage we find
A dwarf called Zeke, a carnival freak,
Who can fold paper hats with his mind,

And he says, "Don’t let them steal your horses! No!"
"Don’t let them throw them away! No!"
"If you find your way through,"
"They’ll be waiting for you,"
"Singing 'neigh neigh'!"

i will not let them steal my horses. i won't let them throw them away. they will be waiting one day saying, "neigh neigh." which is kind of weird but maybe trunchbull isn't mad. maybe she is giving me a hidden instructive hint because as shakespeare said, "revenge is a dish best served cold." oh, that jacket will be waiting. i won't throw it away.  i will put it somewhere safe. until they have teenage daughters. then it will reappear. and they can die on that hill. my blood has already softened the ground... i can hear the horses now... "neigh neigh," they say...

yesterday adam drove millie back to nashville and so rosie, maxx and i went to procure a Christmas tree. even though adam made a valiant effort in our yearly debate over Christmas tree procurement. this year he had a small victory. he managed to convince maxx to join his side as a NON Christmas tree procurer. most likely because the heavy lifting of tree work (carrying it in, lights, and taking off lights and carrying it out of the house falls to one of the marshall men.) adam doesn't like decorating for the holidays. or any days. i am certain this stems from deep seeded childhood issues that a therapist could wrangle out of his subconscious but a man who doesn't want to spend $30 on a Christmas tree isn't about to spend $150 on a therapist. and frankly there may be other stuff in that subconscious that needs to stay sub. so it is a yearly debate betwixt my man and me. and every year we (meaning the me part of we) end up with a tree. usually i try to buy and put it up when he isn't home. like a surprise/ambush/revolution.

so as we set out yesterday on our Christmas tree conspiracy, i mentioned that we were off on an adventure (trying to make it sound more fun than a regular trip to costco.) then maxx pointed out that the very word "adventure" had the word ADVENT in it. which i had never really thought about. i asked him what the etymology of adventure was. did it have something to do with "advent"? because maxx and i are freaks about etymologies and like to use them in conversations all willy nilly like.  maxx said "yes" since it has the implication of something arriving by chance. then maxx explained to me yesterday that the words quest, journey, and adventure are not synonymous. i asked him what was the difference. he explained...

a QUEST is a search to find an object or knowledge.

a JOURNEY is travel from one place to another.

and an ADVENTURE is something that happens that is unknown to the adventurer. it has an unknown outcome at the start. 

i nodded and pretended i already knew all of that. i can't let maxx think he is smarter than his mother. he is already taller. and more talented. and has a much better sense of style. i need to maintain some level of dignity...

here is the actual etymology (which is really close to what maxx told me. sigh. i can't hold on to my lead for long. he is going to figure out that i am the village idiot. in fact i bet he already knows it and is using his acting skills to hide his knowledge of that fact. dang. he's even a better actor...)

adventure (n.) 
auenture "that which happens by chance, fortune, luck," from Old French aventure "chance, accident, occurrence, event, happening," from Latin adventura "about to happen," from adventurus, future participle of advenire "to come to, reach, arrive at," from ad- "to" (see ad-) + venire "to come" (see venue). 

Meaning developed through "risk/danger" (a trial of one's chances), and "perilous undertaking" and thence to "a novel or exciting incident".  Earlier it also meant "a wonder, a miracle; accounts of marvelous things" (13c.). 

advent (n.) 
"important arrival," from Latin adventus "a coming, approach, arrival."

so we concluded that we couldn't really say we were going on an adventure. you can't really plan for an adventure. it might happen. but only God plans adventures. 

which is a perfect description for this advent season. we can "plan" for Christmas as much as we want. but the true meaning of Christmas only comes when we have ADVENT happen to us. something unforeseen. something risky, perilous, wonderful, something marvelous. that we didn't plan for. that we weren't looking for. that we didn't want but always needed...

so i would say that i hope this season is all three for you... a QUEST like the wisemen were on to find knowledge and a King. a JOURNEY like mary and joseph were on to get to a place of origin. but most of all i hope it is an ADVENTURE which happened to everyone involved in the story of the first Christmas. which comes only from the One who was before all things began and who will be revealing wonders into eternity...

O come, O come, Emmanuel,

and ransom captive Israel,

that mourns in lonely exile here

until the Son of God appear.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel,

shall come to thee O Israel!

And The Greatest

by john blase thebeautifuldue

Until your tears have fermented

they are only water,

easily mistaken for raindrops.

But should you endure the season

your grief might turn to wine,

your sadness might become

the spirit others will travel

far and wide to taste.

Know that the season is often long,

the weather harsh and inappropriate. 

There are no guarantees.

Only hope, wait, and see remain.

And the greatest of these is hope.

i like that quote. but in some ways that makes me weak. because i tend to fight my battles out here on the blog. or on the phone with friends...

not to mention the hundreds of my facebook friends who know the battle that i constantly face... 

parking my suburban. 

months ago a "friend"  texted me a photo of my car. parked badly and asked if i was ok. i responded that i was fine. she said that it didn't look like it by the way i parked my car. all haphazardishly. like i was running into publix in a panic (which is totally plausible. publix emergencies are a weekly occurrence.)

i insisted that i park badly most of the time. my friend countered, "but you are such a good driver." which is true. i maintain that driving and parking are two totally separate skills. like reading and writing. one can be an excellent reader and a poor writer (see ME for an example. i am a fantastic reader. speed reader. but not a fantastic writer. i park like a write. overextended. out of the lines. haphazardly.)

so i started keeping a photographic record of my parking foibles and failures... to prove to my friend that i was a consistently bad parker. and i started posting said photos on facebook. to prove to the world that i cannot park. because i don't want the world to think that i am a roaring success at anything... except being a dismal failure at parking.

the really funny part is that ALMOST EVERY TIME i park i THINK that i got it right. that this time i nailed it. then i go into the store. the dentist office. the school. and it isn't until i come back out that i truly see my parking in its true form. as a failure. and then i take a photo. while laughing. and planning a witty quote to add on top of the photo of my dismal dereliction of space and line. 

which is kind of how my life is going these days... 

i think i have NAILED SOMETHING. like i have just completed the ultimate parenting coup d'etat. or managed to speak kindly to my husband for three days in a row when i have wanted to point out every one of his flaws. or found my dream job for next year. or at least a job that will pay me the $$$$$$ we need to cover millie's tuition to belmont. i think i have locked into perfection... and a few hours/days/minutes later when i look at it with fresh eyes, i realize that i have messed it up once again. 

i am a perennially petulant mess. always needing an overflowing supply of grace that is unending. undeserved. and unasked for. because whenever i have it between the lines... i am hopelessly wrong. again.

cross country double seasons (middle school and high school) means double the fun.

for instance... this photo below was taken 15 minutes after rosalea ran a PR 15:44 and then promptly threw up at the finish line because she had run so hard. and look at her 15 minutes later. happy as can be... 

and then this one from a high school race in carrollton, GA... 

so now let's chat about what we are doing THIS weekend...  

going to see THIS girl... 

we haven't seen her in SIX WEEKS!!!!

that tire photo was taken the day before we left to take her to nashville. we had taken kodie to the dog boarders in bainbridge (where we adopted him) and there is this HUGE area of old tires. we thought it might make for a cool photo background. it did. but let me tell you that it did not smell pleasant AT ALL. and there were a LOT of flies. but millie is the daughter of a photographer and she knows the drill... who cares if it is uncomfortable if it looks GREAT in the photo. 

and let's talk about those boots she has on. was that a girl destined to go to nashville or what? anyway she LOVES it there and we can't wait to see her and meet all her new friends and just have some family time with her again! 

when you actually see the words of Scripture illustrated in a photo. sent to you on your phone. in the middle of an ordinary day. case in point, this photo... 

that photo speaks a thousand words. and a thousand promises answered. oh wait, you don't see it? well, it make take a thousand words to explain it... 

here go the words... that is my daughter millie (on the right) and one of my best friends deaver (on the left) having lunch together yesterday in nashville.  simple enough. millie is in college in nashville and deaver lives in nashville, so what is so special about that photo?

well, it came after a rough 36 hours for millie (and deaver too.) millie woke up saturday morning early (like before the crack of noon. WOAH.) feeling horrible. she took her temperature (because i packed a thermometer in her "health and medicine kit", of course) and her temp was 103. she isn't studying to be a dr. but she knew that was bad. she texted me (i was at a cross country meet in georgia with maxx.) no response from her loving mom. so then she called deaver. early on a saturday morning.

deaver dressed and flew out the door and into super hero like action. picking millie up from her dorm. HAVING THE FORETHOUGHT to also take all of millie's laundry AND the sheets plus duvet cover off her bed so they might be washed as well. she took her to a CVS walk in clinic. left her there with a nurse and went to starbucks to get her a favorite drink. came back and the verdict was a sinus infection. antibiotics procured. took her home. tucked her into her daughter's bed (her middle daughter is at UT.) while millie napped, deaver washed, dried, and folded all the laundry and linens. made dinner. kept the medicines coming on schedule. millie woke feeling better but stayed there for the night to really get a good night's sleep. and to hang out with a family for a while.

then yesterday they had lunch, did a little shopping, and back to the dorms went millie. deaver even MADE HER BED. and it is a loft bed. not. easy. yoga moves are involved. up high on a loft. dangerous stuff.

deaver sent me that photo around lunchtime. and i was so grateful that i really didn't think anything beyond how great it was to have a friend in nashville that would drop everything and devote most of her weekend to caring for your daughter. and a daughter that felt so secure with a friend that she would call her early on a saturday morning because she knew she would be cared for. 

then i realized that photo was so similar to a lot of photos that i have of college girls who are not my daughter, but who i love very deeply... 

it reminded me of all the times i ate lunch with a college girl in the past 15 years here in tallahassee. all the times one (or several, or dozens) slept at my house because they were sick, scared, lonely, breaking up, or just wanted to hang out all night...

looking through my photos to find those moments with those college girls was a pleasure. everything i did with them was fun. we poured into their lives and it was never tedious. or boring. or challenging (well, the challenge trips were challenging. hence the name.) it didn't feel like GIVING. it felt like GETTING something great in return. how like God to take our meager offerings to Him, our filthy rags and to change them into something exciting. worthy. enjoyable. to make what we are giving into a gift to us AT THE VERY TIME WE ARE GIVING IT.

and then to RETURN IT LATER AND GREATER in a different form... but in a way that is so recognizable to me that i kept staring at the photo wondering why it looked so familiar. 

ecclesiastes 11:1 Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days.

it looked like some crumbs that i had thrown into the water. returning to me. after many days.  

luke 6:38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

i never poured my life into those college girls because i wanted a return (face it, i don't think past 5 minutes from now. i couldn't ever have imagined that i would one day be the mother of a college girl.) i poured into them because it was exciting. they were energetic. they listened to me (sometimes.) they laughed with me. and at me. they french braided my hair. way past the age when a woman should sport french braided hair. they loved me and shared their lives with me. and i loved (and still love) them and still share lives with them. even though some of them live really far away. 

and i am still so grateful for their presence in my life. 

but today i am grateful for the presence of another older woman pouring into my daughter's life when i am over 400 miles away.  i woman i call friend. and a woman that millie will also call friend. sometimes it is more than we could ever ask or imagine...

ephesians 3:20-21 Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

i am reading rebekah's beautiful book... really have you ever seen such a lovely cover? 

i started reading it on kindle a few months ago. then i stopped. but i have picked it up again this week because one story in it has come back to me... a story about a mother whose child had gone off to college. and the mother said something to this extent, "her life seems all in front of her. and min seems all in the past. her life is so full. and mine is so empty." i laughed when i read that line. certainly i wouldn't feel that way. i still have two children at home. the two i like. ha. just kidding millie. who am i kidding? her life is far too full to be reading this...

but that phrase must have stuck in my subconscious. and it has come back into my conscious. my plans for taking over a computer lab at the school fell through. no state money to do that. ( it also seems that my plans for taking over the world fell through. no support from the world. ha.) the substitute teaching gigs all went computerized this summer and for some reason i am not able to sign on at the right time (even though i am checking it several times a day) to catch them and so this week i only have a half day scheduled to sub. not sure that will pay for much of college life...

couple that with maxx driving and for the first time in my years as wife and mother...

the days are too long. 

i drop rosie off at 9 and i don't see a child until 5:00 with cross country practices for both of them after school. last year i was transporting kids usually by 1:30 most days. but now the hours at home pile up. laundry gets done. the bathrooms are clean. dinners are made. and i am wondering what is next for me... 

i haven't filled up my schedule with volunteer activities because it do need to have some kind of paying gig. and i really thought it would be easier to find something part time in the schools. or flexible like subbing. 

but if there is one thing i know it is that God has a plan.  

and i might need to grow some wings on the way down. 

i volunteered (of course. sigh. when will i EVER learn?) to take all 13 interact calendar girls photos. and really it wasn't a huge task. but pleasing 13 senior girls... well, that is a tall order. and i think most of them found a photo that they liked for the calendar. here are some of my favorites... 

besides blogging? 

nothing important. or maybe things more important. 

it was millie's last summer home. i know that she will be "home" again next summer (well, i am fairly sure.) but i also remember feeling like my "home" wasn't truly my home anymore once i entered college. my life was at college. home was a respite. relaxing. wonderful. but not where my LIFE was happening.  

so i wanted to soak up our last summer. 

iris krasnow wrote a beautiful book "surrendering to motherhood"  which i read when my children were little. but it is still valid now that they are teenagers. 

When you surrender to that fact then real balance comes, of having your soul and mind and heart in sync. Most accomplished women can go back to rebuilding careers as our kids grow up. We can never go back to the fleeting moment that constitutes our children's childhood. We only get one chance to get it right. And doing it right takes a lot of time. How we choose to spend our time is ultimately our greatest power as human beings.

i can never get her last summer at home back. and i wanted to choose to be with her. not sitting at my computer writing and editing and finding the perfect photo to sum up what i was feeling. i just wanted to feel things without thinking "i should blog about this." 

i was also doing a lot of packing. 

someone sent me this list (which was a good/bad thing. good because it is a GREAT list. bad because i am an over packer and felt like we had to have EVERYthing on that list.) 

The Most Outrageously Thorough, Ridicously Detailed College Shopping List You Will Ever See 

and so i procured almost every item on that list. and maybe some that weren't. we set up a packing room in the living room... complete with stations for different categories of items. and lists. oh, the lists... 

and if those stations where indications of where this was heading... well, even though we have a suburban it wasn't going to be enough room...

and if you don't believe that i went overboard on the packing. take this example... the kcups i purchased for her coffee/tea/chai/hot chocolate needs (her roommate has one of those kuerig one cup at a time machines.) 

truth be told... she did have a lot of bed, bath, and beyond gift cards to use for those kcup purchases. and all the different flavors looked so exciting and delicious.  

during this whole packing process (the entire summer) i went to lunch one day with my dad and i asked him about packing me for college. because I DON'T REMEMBER PACKING ANYTHING FOR COLLEGE. i thought my failing memory might be triggered whilst millie and i were packing and checking items off a list. but NOPE. not a twinge of a memory.  and i don't remember needing ANYthing or lacking for any items once at college. maybe i was on heavy drugs all that summer that wiped away my memories of packing... or maybe there was another explanation...

my dad smiled and said simply, "you didn't pack anything for college. your mom did it all for you." 

then he added, "you went to europe for a month. and hung out with your friends a lot that summer." 

i did remind him that i did have a JOB that summer too. in one of his offices. so i am sure my hours weren't the strictest.... 

so there was my answer. my mom packed everything. i do remember doing some shopping with her and her saying, "oh, this dress is just what a college girl needs!" so i did some of that with millie. during our trips to nashville and through atlanta (including TWO ikea visits. one to look and take notes and one for procurement of items.)  

i hope that millie remembers packing with me. that we checked items off of a list LIKE A BOSS. that we laughed a lot. that i never cried. though i wanted to cry a lot. that i kept reminding her EVERY time she asked me if i was sure she would make friends... if i was sure that she was going to be okay... that EVERY time i told her that she would make GREAT friends. that she was a GREAT person to be friends with. and that i KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would be better than OKAY. and that on her way to better than okay that she would have plenty of caffeine and kcups. 

she may not remember. and it may be 28 ( give or take a couple of) years from now when she is packing up someone for college that she finally understands and appreciates the summer before she left for college through a mother's eyes. i am only sad that my mom wasn't here to finally get the thank you she so richly deserves...

...was post something trite, trivial, and VERY hilarious on facebook and the twitter last night. about miley cyrus. i would write it here but that would defeat the whole purpose of this post. but you would LAUGH. oh, you would laugh. 

so let's back up in case you are clueless about the whole miley cyrus VMA scene... which means you live under a rock (and if you do, will you invite me over?) because yesterday in above rock world you must have heard/saw/read something about miley cyrus twerking and licking and bootie shakin' (bootie shakin' turns out to actually be "twerking" and yes, i had to google "twerking" and now you don't have to. you are welcome.)  and partially clad singing it up on the MTV awards show.

and so i had this really funny facebook status update to write about it all. HILAR. all fired up and ready to post...

then i read this blog post... how do we help miley?  which from the title clears up that it isn't going to answer questions like... 

How do we help a girl like Miley?

How do I keep from my daughter being like that? 

What is this world coming to?

all valid questions. all thing i wish she had answered. because i don't know those answers either. and dang it I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME...

but as annie downs points out in a thoughtful blog post "how do we help miley?"...

"Miley still washed her face last night and climbed into bed at some point and in that most honest moment right before she fell asleep, I wonder if she was sad. Or embarrassed. Or if she is so deep in the rabbit hole of this whole thing that she felt nothing.

I want to yell down that rabbit hole and tell her to come back.

While today’s headlines are tearing her to shreds, we as Christians HAVE to sound different than the world. We HAVE to yell a different chant in her direction about how God made her on purpose and how she is valuable because of WHO she is, not WHAT she does." {annie downs, how do we help miley?}

and i thought about the questionable choices i make everyday that aren't televised. (THANK YOU JESUS!) 

like the choice to eat a snowcone with condensed mik on top of it when clearly that is not the healthiest choice. (of course i did instagram that choice. and no one tweeted about what a stupid choice lea marshall had made.) the choice to facebook status or instagram for attention. the choice to be jealous of my friend's "perfect life or perfect kids or perfectly full bank account." the choice to not talk with my kids because i want to watch HGTV or the choice to not do something i need to do because "i deserve a nap."

and in a stunning slap of reality i realized that for the same reason miley twerked, i tweet (or facebook status update)... for attention. for applause. because i need something (other than God) to tell me that i am worthy. and adored.

i am actually living out the lyrics to her song that she sang on MTV... without the drug references. well, unless you call refined sugar and unsaturated fats and caffeine "drugs". and you could do that because i use them to quiet down the voices in my head. most likely the same reason most people do drugs... 

because really i do what i want to do. my life could be her song "we can't stop." i can't stop eating unhealthy things. seeking applause. caring what everyone thinks about me. choosing pleasure over responsibility. on a regular basis. 

and much like the song lyrics "i can say what i want... i can kiss who i want... i can shake it like i'm at a strip club." (ok really, no one wants to see me shake it like i'm at a strip club.) but i can do what i want. and most of the time... i do what i want to do.

but there are things that come with doing what i want... things i might not want. and miley or whoever else is doing what they want, when they want, how they want also cannot escape that some things are certain to come that you didn't want... 

there are consequences to every choice. consequences to snowcones after dinner. or twerking on national television. consequences to living for applause or comments or likes on instagram. consequences to napping instead of cleaning, exercising,  or calling a friend who has been on your heart. but some things get a bit more press than the others. thank goodness. i couldn't stand the bad press. (because i kind of live for positive affirmations. still not a good thing.)

which is why this all struck me this morning as kind of IRONIC because i am in the middle of preparing to teach our youth for 5 sunday evenings from the BEST two chapters in the Bible (i am partial to whatever i am in the middle of studying. kind of a "dance with the one who brung you" kind of mentality. in this case i am in a hot and heavy relationship with these two heady chapters in the new testament)....

romans 7 and 8.

i have been reading romans ALL summer. EVERY day. these two chapters and then selections from other chapters. OVER and OVER and OVER. and it has become familiar and yet always fresh. 

and i have come to some conclusions... 

romans 7 is all about reality.

and romans 8 is all about the Ideal that has become Real.

and right smack dab between the two concepts are these bold and beautiful verses...

romans 7:24-25 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! 

our reality meets His Ideal. 

at the cross. 

it is those verses that i cannot get used to in the Bible. can. not. get. over. them.

every time i see them it makes me cry. especially as i read them in context EVERY DAY. and EVERY time i come to those verses tears spring into my eyes.

first... because of the horror of the reality presented in romans 7. the horror of the reality that i see everyday on the news. in my own personal choices. in lives around me. in a beautiful young girl twerking on MTV. in an 45 year old woman who wants to tweet about it for some applause and giggles. WHO WILL RESCUE ME?

WHO WILL RESCUE ANY OF US?

but most of my tears are because i know romans 8 is coming. i know the Ideal has come to our Reality. i know it so well now that i am grateful to the point of tears springing into my eyes even before i read these famous verses of comfort. of JOY. of truth...

romans 8:1-2 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,  because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.

the gospel message is so very contained in those two verses at the end of romans 7. and then continues to the GOOD news of romans 8...

 tim keller always says things so well...

The Gospel is that I am far worse than I imagine and simultaneously more loved and accepted by God than I ever dared hope for — because of Jesus death for me.

that entire dance/song on the VMA's was scorchingly hot. so was my realization that my own sinful heart leads me to seek the same attention (in yoga pants as opposed to teddy bear leotard. but i digress...) where were we? oh yes...scorched places. i have a few of them. a whole body of them. so does miley. so do you (i bet). but The Lord is watering my scorched heart with the truth of romans 7 and 8. every day. reality meets Ideal. the reality is though my heart and flesh may fail... on a daily, minutey, every second basis... God is my strength and He is my portion. forever.

my prayer is that He will be yours. that He will be my childrens'. that He will be miley's. scorched earth needs a cup of cool water. reality needs Ideal...