"I don’t look back: God knows the fruitless efforts,
The wasted hours the sinning, the regrets;
I leave them all with Him Who blots the record,
And mercifully forgives, and then forgets.
I don’t look forward, God sees all the future,
The road that, short or long, will lead me home,
And He will face with me its every trial,
And bear for me the burdens that may come.
But I look up —Into the face of Jesus,
For there my heart can rest, my fears are stilled;
And there is joy, and love, and light for darkness,
And perfect peace, and every hope fulfilled."
~Annie Johnson Flint
we are looking up, we are looking into my mom’s eyes whenever they are open and we are talking to her and to God all day long and late into the night. these may be the hardest and yet in some ways the finest days that i have known so far in this journey of life. they are also the days that i have felt God the closest. i walk into mom’s room and i sense the breath of God. it is no small thing, it is a miracle. whether she leaves completely healed on this earth, or leaves for a complete Healing in Heaven, it is a miracle.
i have heard this song by natalie grant EVERY night on my way home from the hospital. i do not think it is a coincidence... i do not believe in coincidences these days...
IN BETTER HANDS
It's hard to stand on shifting sand
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night
You can't be free if you don't reach for help
You cant love if you don't love yourself
There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I am strong all because of you
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am safe from this moment on
There's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
Its like the world is silent though I know it isn't true
Its like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I'm in better hands now...
and the funny thing is that i thought the song was about my mom being in better hands and about me realizing that God’s hands were better than mine, but the more i listened to it (and believe me i hear it EVERY time i leave the hospital), it is a song about me and my journey through this (isn’t that just like me, to make it ALL about me?).
i am the one in better hands (ok, i know my mom is too, but remember how i like to make it all about me). i am in better hands because i have given this totally up to God. given my daily schedule, my wants, my needs, my weakness, my tears, my fears, and my mom to Him. and He has given back pressed down, overflowing back to me.
there is not room on this blog for me to write the blessings that EVERYONE has bestowed on us- the food, the emails,the food, the phone calls, the notes, the food, the INCREDIBLE LADY WHO CLEANED MY HOUSE FOR 8 HOURS TODAY (nobody make any judgement calls about how messy it was), and did i mention THE FOOD. it is overwhelming and life sustaining. my entire family (siblings, kids, and dad) eat over here almost every night and it is not one bit of effort. of course tonight after the 8 HOUR CLEANING, no one is allowed to touch anything and sully the SHINE that is on my house!
i will be back on the night watch tonight until 2 a.m. i have some unfinished reader’s digests to digest. i am going on 3-4 hours of sleep a night and NOT tired at all. that is a gift from God. i will have some nap time tomorrow. i am taking care of myself, i am taking care of my family, my mom.... but really to tell you the truth, it is God who is caring for us all. it was Him all along, it will be Him into eternity...