that the Lord has made
we will rejoice and be glad in it...
it is hard to rejoice on the day of your mother’s burial. we are having a family only burial in the morning and then a celebration/memorial service this afternoon followed by a reception to hug and chat with everyone who was come because they loved that little woman that i call mama. i think that this will be much easier than if we had a visitation at the funeral home and a coffin there in front of the church (the traditional way). sometimes breaking with tradition is right. this will be hard enough as it is, i am glad to not make it any harder.
i know today will leave me achey, physical achey with hurting feet from standing all day in high heels that are not my usual footwear, emotionally achey with a hurting heart from the gash that has been left raw these last few weeks saying good bye. but the next few day/weeks when reality sets in, when my friends who have held me together leave, when the food, cards, flowers, phone calls stop, and when one day i pick up the phone and dial her number just to tell her something that one of the kids did.... that will be the hardest day of all. the day when i finally realize that she is not here to talk to and i NEED to talk to her.
when the dr. came in on that thursday, jan.24th and told daddy and i the prognosis that we would not be getting mama back (even if her body lived through this terrible stroke it had affected too much of her brain for her real self to ever come back to us), when he started talking, i began to shake. physically shake from the shock, the pain, the emotion of it all. i actually had to hold the side of mama’s hospital bed to control the shaking and to continue to stand up and hold my daddy’s hand.
several times a day since that day, i have had those uncontrollable bouts of shaking, from the emotion, the physical tiredness, the coldness that i felt all of the time. i have wrapped myself in 3 blankets at one time while i lay on the hospice house couch and tried to sleep and i was still shaking.
the last few days, after she went to heaven and i was mostly at home and my friends were here and we were getting everything done and clean and organized and checked off the list, i stopped shaking. i was warm. i could forget for moments what had made me shake.
last night, my friends went to the hotel, i laid in bed and i started to shake again. i slept fine but i woke up shaking this morning. it will most likely last all day. it must be what my body does with emotion and adrenaline and sorrow. i know that i will shake, but i also know the One who cannot be shaken...
PSALM 62:5-8
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God ;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
ISAIAH 54:10
Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
HEBREWS 12:26-29
At that time his voice shook the earth,
but now he has promised, "Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens."
The words "once more" indicate the removing of what can be shaken—
that is, created things—
so that what cannot be shaken may remain.
Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken,
let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe,
for our "God is a consuming fire."
we are receiving a Kingdom that cannot be shaken, God has promised us that... which means where were are now can be shaken. i shake because this whole journey is part of the temporary earth, the part that shakes, that moans and groans, that cries, the part that is not eternal. the shaking reminds me that there is a part that is eternal, that is unshakable, a place for no tears, no death, no sadness, no shaking... only the Solid Rock of His Unshakable Love. today, may the shaking remind me that there is a higher place where mama is, where there is no shaking. she is there, i will join her there one day, and we will all be with the One whose unfailing love will not be shaken.
this is the day that the Lord has made, let us shake and still be glad in it...