i wrote this today on the socials. and ever since hitting the button on it i have thought of a million more &’s that go with mothering. so i thought i would add it on to my blog. because i never post anything here anymore and i am always thinking about writing things & how much i miss writing. and i added a few new ones to the mix because they came to mind and are true.
motherhood is the epitome of the power of &.
it’s moments of exclamation marks & question marks.
highs & lows.
holding & scolding.
it’s shown my strengths & weaknesses.
there have been moments where i was called the worst mom ever when i was probably at my best & moments i was hailed as the best mom and it was clearly at my worst.
i keep a thousand memories of the past & a million dreams for the future.
i wait for welcome home days & weep over all the good bye moments.
i have merely listened when i should have spoken & spoken when i should have listened.
seen His hand in more than a few miracles & mostly in the mundane.
i’ve been profane & prophetic (sometimes at the same time).
prayed for them less than i needed to & preached at them much more than i should have.
i’ve been honored & humiliated. and i’ve done the same to them.
forgiven much & been forgiven for even more.
remembered & forgotten.
said NO when i should have said YES & said YES when i should have said HELL NO & said MAYBE when i didn’t want to give an actual answer & said I DON’T KNOW about a million times more than i ever thought i would have said for a grown up who is supposed to know things by now & spoken straight out lies when i should have said I DO NOT KNOW because really, i DID NOT KNOW.
found lost things & lost things i thought i had found.
given all i’ve had & been given more than i deserved.
stayed up too late & gotten up too frequently & always too early & slept thru moments i wish i hadn’t.
i’ve won & lost. and been confused on whether things were a victory or defeat.
it is simultaneously too much at once & you are never enough. or you are too much & it is monotonously the same thing over and over.
i have laughed & cried. laughed while crying. cried while laughing & also peed while laughing because of giving birth three times & cried while peeing because it was the only place i could have a moment alone to weep.
i have changed all the things that needed changing & slowly realized the thing that needed changing the most was me.
i read all the books & made it all up as i went along.
quoted Scripture at inopportune times & clung to it when it was all i knew was true and the only thing that kept me tethered to something true.
i’ve watched the tide come in & knock down all my well formed castles & then noticed that it had left me some exquisite treasures gleaming in the wet sand.
despaired that i seemed worthless & declared that it was worth it all.
breathed in the beauty & had the breath knocked out of me by some really ugly moments.
i set high goals & then lowered all my expectations.
marveled & mumbled.
grinned & grimaced & grumbled.
complimented & complained.
i have charted & planned & written it all down & then watched it all get erased/torn up/lost in the shuffle.
thought i was raising them & was the one being raised all along.
i’ve held them close & now, i’ve let them each go...
the enthusiastic jumper (at the top right) left this morning to hike & camp. i won’t hear from her until june.
the recent graduate is forging a future of music & words & rhythms & rhymes.
the philosophical one will be in berlin most of the summer learning a new language.
they are each entirely their own & a bit of adam and i.
i’ve hiked and camped through motherhood for 25 years.
attempted to forge & forest a future with words & rhymes.
& i’ve philosophically learned new languages to speak with each of them over the past 25 years.
but hopefully most importantly & ultimately relied on the oldest language of them all.
love&grace&mercy.
may it be so for us all today&forever.