words of the year...

i needed a space to write down all the words of the year that i have chosen for the past decade. just so i have them in one place. so here it is….

(on a side note, i have conquered exactly 0% of these words.)

2006: less

john 3:30 He must become greater; I must become less.

2007: love

1 peter4:7 (the message) Everything in the world is about to be wrapped up, so take nothing for granted. Stay wide-awake in prayer. Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything.

2008: little

luke 16:10 (the message) 10-13 If you’re honest in small things, you’ll be honest in big things; If you’re a crook in small things, you’ll be a crook in big things. If you’re not honest in small jobs, who will put you in charge of the store?

2009: limit

2 corinthians 13:9 (the message) We don’t just put up with our limitations; we celebrate them, and then go on to celebrate every strength, every triumph of the truth in you.

2010: listen

isaiah 30:21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

2011: linger

psalm 91:1 Whoever dwells (lingers) in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty…

2012: laugh

proverbs 31:25b … she can laugh at the days to come.

2013: lift

isaiah 40:26 Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens… Who created all these?

He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name.

Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.

lamentations 2:19 Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin;

pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord.

Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children,

2014: light

john 1:5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

2015: learn

matthew 11:28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

2016: let go

“Give yourself up to His plans. Be led wherever He wills by His providence. Why should you be troubled that you can no longer drink from the aqueduct when you are led to the perennial spring itself from which its waters are derived?” {François Fénelon, Let Go}

2017: labile

“God uses broken things. It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. It is Peter, weeping bitterly, who returns to greater power than ever.” {vance havner}

2018: lap

“The more we let God take us over (dare i add to lewis by saying “LAP US” instead of “take us over”), the more truly ourselves we become - because He made us. He invented us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be. . .It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.” {c.s. lewis}

2019: lean

psalm 116:1–2: i love the Lord because He hears my voice… because He bends down to listen.

He will hold me fast...

we visited christ presbyterian church in brentwood when we were there a few weekends ago. a furman grad is the pastor (scott sauls) and we have several friends that attend that church. i have visited there a dozen or so times over the past years of visiting nashville and i always love the service.

this time they sang a hymn that i had never heard before and i just fell in love with it. i can’t stop listening to it. because it resonates so deeply with me. because it is never me holding on to Christ. it is always that He holds me so tightly. that is my story. this is my song. His holding me. always.

He Will Hold Me Fast

written by Keith and Kristyn Getty

When I fear my faith will fail, Christ will hold me fast;

When the tempter would prevail, He will hold me fast.

I could never keep my hold through life's fearful path;

For my love is often cold; He must hold me fast.

He will hold me fast, He will hold me fast;

For my Saviour loves me so, He will hold me fast.

Those He saves are His delight, Christ will hold me fast;

Precious in his holy sight, He will hold me fast.

He'll not let my soul be lost; His promises shall last;

Bought by Him at such a cost, He will hold me fast.

He will hold me fast, He will hold me fast;

For my Saviour loves me so, He will hold me fast.

For my life He bled and died, Christ will hold me fast;

Justice has been satisfied; He will hold me fast.

Raised with Him to endless life, He will hold me fast

‘Till our faith is turned to sight, When He comes at last!

He will hold me fast, He will hold me fast;

For my Saviour loves me so, He will hold me fast.

a way with words

for adam’s birthday i bought us two tickets to see these two wordy icons, grant & martha (from one of our favorite radio shows/podcasts, a way with words), LIVE at TCC last night. it was excellent. and late at night for me to be out. BUT still i enjoyed every moment spent exploring the latin reasons for flower names (with martha), the reasons why i say “pen” and “pin” exactly the same (with grant), the story of martha’s father and how he dropped out of school and went to work in a textile factory at age 13 but at age 22 went back to high school, finished and became a preacher and finished seminary and taught at the college level, and then grant introducing us to new words like “butcept” and “assphixiation” (the tendency to add the word “ass” to everything. which i do. like a wiseass. butcept that is because i am shakespearean.)

but two things that keep resonating in my mind after the event are spiritual things. even though this was not a spiritual event. but as hopkins penned “Christ plays in ten thousand places.”

the first idea was from something that grant said when someone asked about a word. he asked them to use it in a sentence because words weren’t created to be by themselves. that when you see them surrounded by other words that you get their true meaning. how amazing that words are like humans. we weren’t created to live in isolation. that isn’t our truest self. in a time when all i crave is to be alone and do my own thing, that isn’t what i was created for. i was meant to be in a group. work together to make meaning. to say something. a word alone can’t really communicate much.

also it reminded me of the verse from john, “The Word became flash and dwelt amoung us.” or as the message version states, “The Word became flesh and blood, and moved into the neighborhood.” together. with us. that is when we can define (with all our limited human definitions) the meaning of Christ, from His work here with us. seems that words and THE Word do best in community with others.

another wordy and weighty topic was paralinguistic restitution: restoring to the written language sentiment. meaning, or other attributes that are easier to express in spoken language. yeah, it is a lot. but what it means is that spoken language is the REAL language and the written language is but the shadow. grant was explaining to a questioner how the internet wasn’t killing language. in fact giving it visuals (like emojis) is actually helping it expand and adding to it some of the sentiments (body language, facial expression, tone) that you get with spoken language that expounds on meaning. spoken language was & is the original language. and it communicates more and better and fills language with meaning that you just can’t get from the written word. grant says we are writing more than ever. our text feeds alone are a volume of one encyclopedia amount of writing in a year (on average.) we write & read more than ever now than at any time in history. (clearly that is true for me.) but the idea of spoken language being real language and the written being the shadow was also spiritually significant. God SPOKE the world into being. He SPOKE the Word. and the Bible is but a shadow of that real Word. words were created to be spoken. face to face. the shadow will never be enough to know the real meaning without the person speaking words and us seeing face to face the fullness of language.

who would have thought that a lecture on words would lead to moments of spiritual inspiration? well, my new little journal from the dayna lee collection at staples THAT I AM OBSESSED WITH would have thought so. because this was a page in it…

inspiration is everywhere. and even past your bedtime sometimes. if we only can stay awake to hear it…

motherhood is the epitome of &

i wrote this today on the socials. and ever since hitting the button on it i have thought of a million more &’s that go with mothering. so i thought i would add it on to my blog. because i never post anything here anymore and i am always thinking about writing things & how much i miss writing. and i added a few new ones to the mix because they came to mind and are true.

motherhood is the epitome of the power of &.

it’s moments of exclamation marks & question marks.

highs & lows.

holding & scolding.

it’s shown my strengths & weaknesses.

there have been moments where i was called the worst mom ever when i was probably at my best & moments i was hailed as the best mom and it was clearly at my worst.

i keep a thousand memories of the past & a million dreams for the future.

i wait for welcome home days & weep over all the good bye moments.

i have merely listened when i should have spoken & spoken when i should have listened.

seen His hand in more than a few miracles & mostly in the mundane.

i’ve been profane & prophetic (sometimes at the same time).

prayed for them less than i needed to & preached at them much more than i should have.

i’ve been honored & humiliated. and i’ve done the same to them.

forgiven much & been forgiven for even more.

remembered & forgotten.

said NO when i should have said YES & said YES when i should have said HELL NO & said MAYBE when i didn’t want to give an actual answer & said I DON’T KNOW about a million times more than i ever thought i would have said for a grown up who is supposed to know things by now & spoken straight out lies when i should have said I DO NOT KNOW because really, i DID NOT KNOW.

found lost things & lost things i thought i had found.

given all i’ve had & been given more than i deserved.

stayed up too late & gotten up too frequently & always too early & slept thru moments i wish i hadn’t.

i’ve won & lost. and been confused on whether things were a victory or defeat.

it is simultaneously too much at once & you are never enough. or you are too much & it is monotonously the same thing over and over.

i have laughed & cried. laughed while crying. cried while laughing & also peed while laughing because of giving birth three times & cried while peeing because it was the only place i could have a moment alone to weep.

i have changed all the things that needed changing & slowly realized the thing that needed changing the most was me.

i read all the books & made it all up as i went along.

quoted Scripture at inopportune times & clung to it when it was all i knew was true and the only thing that kept me tethered to something true.

i’ve watched the tide come in & knock down all my well formed castles & then noticed that it had left me some exquisite treasures gleaming in the wet sand.

despaired that i seemed worthless & declared that it was worth it all.

breathed in the beauty & had the breath knocked out of me by some really ugly moments.

i set high goals & then lowered all my expectations.

marveled & mumbled.

grinned & grimaced & grumbled.

complimented & complained.

i have charted & planned & written it all down & then watched it all get erased/torn up/lost in the shuffle.

thought i was raising them & was the one being raised all along.

i’ve held them close & now, i’ve let them each go...

the enthusiastic jumper (at the top right) left this morning to hike & camp. i won’t hear from her until june.

the recent graduate is forging a future of music & words & rhythms & rhymes.

the philosophical one will be in berlin most of the summer learning a new language.

they are each entirely their own & a bit of adam and i.

i’ve hiked and camped through motherhood for 25 years.

attempted to forge & forest a future with words & rhymes.

& i’ve philosophically learned new languages to speak with each of them over the past 25 years.

but hopefully most importantly & ultimately relied on the oldest language of them all.

love&grace&mercy.

may it be so for us all today&forever.

2017 word of lea's life...

whilst i was addressing all of the marshall christmas cards, i spent quite the "quality" time on the marshall netflix account. i found a lovely hallmark series to “binge watch”, which was really half watch while addressing and labeling envelopes. and my favorite part of the whole thing was how netflix would just end a show and then start the next one for me AUTOMATICALLY!! and it just kept the episodes coming FOR HOURS. in fact, i began to not even notice when one ended and the next one began. very little hurrah to one episode finishing and another one beginning. very little time for satisfaction in an ending or excitement over a beginning. little time to process what had just happened... before i was presented with a whole new episode. to half watch. which seems a lot like my life these days. except not quite as easy as binge watching on netflix… 

i feel like my life is more like a track meet…

after being a cross country mom for many years, i am quite familiar with the “off season.” or aptly put, the illusion of an “off season”, cause there really isn’t one for xc runners. the “off season” is track season. my cross country runners hate track season. and so does their cheering from the sidelines mommy. because my runners like long runs. and a track long run is BORING. just around that track. over and over. LAP after LAP. 

which brings me to my word for 2018… LAP. (you saw that coming, didn't you?)

and now that i am not putting this on a christmas card for 500 people to read, (because i know i can probably count the number of you that are actually reading this on one hand, and still have fingers left over), i am going to be a bit more brutally honest on this format (and longer, sorry about that…)

my life feels kind of LAP like right now. i wish it felt more like binge watching netflix like, but the only thing in common between my life and netflix is the way the show keeps starting over. right when the previous one ends. without proper regard for a time of introspection or celebration. it is just one LAP after the next. with nary a breath in between. just another *&%^$ LAP. 

i like to watch a cross country race, not a track race. i like to live a bit more cross country race like (well, without the actually RUNNING part.) i like a dramatic beginning. and an exciting ending. and then i like the race to be OVER for a week. the race to be DONE. 

but a track meet with all those stupid LAPS after LAPS… that isn’t as much fun. because you finish a LAP and look, THERE IS ANOTHER STUPID LAP. 

LAP: one circuit of a track or racetrack. a section of a journey or other undertaking.

and that is what it feels like in lea land these days. (side note: maxx has been living in a house with 7 boys in nashville. on lealand street. ha. poor guys.)

it feels like LAP after LAP. every time i check a task off my to do list (like PUT ON AN ENTIRE PLAY CALLED ANTIGONE or TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, THEN THERE IS ANOTHER PLAY CALLED STEEL MAGNOLIAS TO PUT ON.) or another event to be planned. or the next big thing that has to happen. LAP after LAP after LAP with nary a finish line in sight. 

even with the “fun” stuff, like graduations (millie just graduated and rosie in the spring.) it just feels like another LAP around the old track. and i know there is another LAP to come. i am already on item 38 for my summer to-do list AND IT IS ONLY DECEMBER. and i know that june 1st there will be a full to do list of items that need to be done in the summer. to get ready for the next LAP of another school year.

i want someone to cheer for me at a FINISH LINE. not just click off another LAP finished. i want a definitive ENDING to something. not just, i checked off LAP 1,376,523,678 and now onto the next LAP. but that is what it feels like on most days. which seems very existentially angst-ridden (even for someone with a deep love for absurdist theatre.) but i am getting really tired of these LAPS.

so i decided since my life was so LAP like (and that isn't going to change), to look at the word LAP to see if i could get a fresh perspective. maybe if i have to keep running LAP after LAP, i could at least have some new eyes to see what these LAPS were accomplishing for my good and God’s glory. 

and wouldn’t you know, LAP is an interesting word. so many different definitions that seem to speak to me right now. it is quite a a multifaceted word and perfect to describe this LAP life... 

LAP:  (verb) overtake (a competitor in a race) to become one or more laps ahead.

tbh (to be honest for those of you who lack the teenage vernacular that i am privileged to be immersed in ALL DAY LONG) there are all the days where i feel that i have been LAPPED by everyone else around me. each day seems like a race to CATCH UP with what needs to be done, or someone who is ahead of me.

there are people who have taught for longer, know more than i know about theatre, or the teaching of teenagers, or people living lives that just seem like SO MUCH MORE EXCITING and ADVENTUROUS than the life i live in the tiny 3 mile radius between my home and leon high school. i don't even go to publix anymore (thank you instacart. not that i am complaining. i LOVE not going to the grocery. but that means that most days i see the inside of my classroom. and then my home.) my LAPS don't take up much space in the world. i am not really seeing much of this vast and glorious world. just vast and glorious faces of over 200 teenagers on most days. which doesn't always feel like winning a race. 

i am always playing catch up because i always seem to be running a bit behind a lot of other people being LAPPED by so many people “doing life better” or "more exciting" or "more efficiently" and i need to remember that in a rat race, only the rats win. i have a lane to stay in in order to run MY race. and that the race may not always be to the swift. i just need to keep running my LAP. one lap at a time. and maybe what looks like me being LAPPED is just someone running a different race in a different lane.

LAP: to lap up or drink. 

yeah, these busy days do leave me a bit parched. needing to LAP up something cool to drink. i need to remember to LAP to receive something eagerly. receive all that these days have to offer me. instead of dreading the next LAP to receive it as a treasure to discover. 

LAP up the last few months with a child at home. LAP up the joy of preparing to send rosie into the world of college students. LAP up the few months with maxx at home before he leaves to hike the appalachian trail. LAP up the time we may have with millie this summer before she leaves for grad school. LAP up the empty nest days with adam as we recreate our relationship that began over 30 years ago (in the spare moments when we aren't both working.) LAP up this season. and all it has to offer. before a new LAP begins.

LAP is also indicative of a completion of a LAP, especially in a specified time. 

we have completed a vital phase of parenting. once i was foolish enough to think that when our kids went to college that we were done. HAHAHAHAHAHA. we are just on a new LAP around the sun now. still involved in their lives, not as actively and hands on. more like bank account still on. and also through prayer, phone calls, and short intermittent visits. it is a new LAP and it will have joys and sorrow. like all the LAPS before it. i need to remember to celebrate each ending of a LAP. it isn’t the ending of an entire race. but each one deserves its own celebration. even if i am painfully aware that there is just another LAP after each one. take a moment to rejoice. and then pick up my feet and start running the race again.

LAP: project beyond or overlap something."the water lapped over the edges." 

yeah, the water LAPS over the edges in my life a lot these days. overflowing with joys, responsibilities, worries, sorrows, good times, hard times, and every kind of time in between. there are so many people to love. so. many. teenagers. to love. i am overLAPPING with human beings on most days. Christ in a thousand faces. and a goodly proportion of them are teenagers. with their humor, their challenges, their stories, and their drama. it is overwhelming and delightful. and it is part of this LAP. for better. for worse. it enfolds me continually and suffocates me at times and keeps me up in the middle of the night as i struggle to reach these students that are placed in my LAP for this season. friends. family. community needs. overLAPing my borders. overflowing with so many stories. i need to remember that as things overLAP the edges, things that are too much for me, are not too much for Him to handle. i take them off my LAP and place them at the throne of grace. onto His Lap. and know that is where these overflowing issues are best left. with Him. 

LAP: polish (a gem or a metal or glass surface) with a lapping machine. the etymological roots of this LAP is in the Latin word lapis which means stone.

the LAP is actually the name of the machine that polishes the stones (i googled it and watched a youtube video, so i am practically an expert on this now.) a lapidary is an artist who forms stone, minerals, or gemstones into decorative items. the primary techniques employed are cutting, grinding, and polishing.

now this is a LAP that i can also relate to. and rely on the One who is cutting, grinding, and polishing me with each LAP that i take. i can sometimes see how each lap slowly polishes a part of me into a better human being. a gemstone that will shine more. reflect His love more. each LAP is useful, each cut needful, each pain necessary, and i become more beautiful each LAP that is taken. less selfish. less stubborn. less angry. more kind, more grateful, more graceful. more like the image of Christ. i find that comfortable times are never the times that i grow or change. i need these LAPS to make me into who i was created to be. i wish i was one of those people who didn't require the constant kick in the pants to grow. but alas, that is some other gal. i need the constant discomfortable rub of "iron sharpening iron" to keep from dullness. sigh. 

i have been on a bit of an odysseus kick as of late. and there was a phrase that stuck out to me in one version that i was perusing (cause who doesn't peruse the odyssey in one's free time?)... 

“Yet verily these issues lie on the LAP of the gods.”

for odysseus being in the "lap of the gods" was the phrase that meant being out of control and at the whim of fate. and i can totally identify with this out of control feeling as it seems that daily i pass through the trials of odysseus sometimes multiple times a day (melodramatic much? maybe.) 

though i do feel like being in the LAP of God is a bit more comforting and knowing that even as we face the scylla and charybdis nature of this fateful world, that there is a Faithful Lap that we are held in.

i think about how my children used to love to sit in my lap and i think that is where they felt safest. i too feel safest when i can imagine myself in the LAP of a Loving God.

a LAP is a place where someone is held and cherished. and this is a very good thought, especially as the sirens are calling me to yearn for easier and more pleasant shores (spoiler alert for those not familiar with ancient greek stories: those sirens are liars.) the more my life seems out of my control, perhaps that is the very moment that is leading me to need to remember that i am always in the LAP of the One who hold all of heaven and earth together.

a LAP is a place where someone is held and cherished. a place to rest and be still and know. 

and to end (yes, we are finally at the LAST definition of LAP) let’s go back to the beginning of LAP. to the origin of the word…

LAP actually comes from an old germanic word: lappen ‘piece of cloth.’ The word originally denoted a fold or flap of a garment. something coiled, folded, or wrapped. 

God wrapped up the two greatest gifts in pieces of cloth. something coiled, folded, or wrapped. and we see the same greek word for wrapped being used in two specific places in the Bible...

Jesus the baby was LAPPED in a manger. wrapped in cloth. the Creator of the world was lapped. let that just wrap up your soul for a minute. cause it took my breath away to type it. 
the God who LAPS us all, was LAPPED. the greek word sparganoo is the root word used in the phrase “swaddling clothes,” and it means “to clothe in strips of cloth.” 

and 3 decades later, Jesus, the man, was sparganoo/wrapped/LAPped by clothes in a tomb. wrapped in burial clothes. 

the God who LAPS us all, was LAPPED in burial clothes. for a few days. then He left those LAPPINGs and trappings behind. as He finished the race. for me. and you. 

God in LAPpen. God wrapped up. as a gift. both times. a gift of joy, a baby. a gift of sorrow, a death. both were a gift. both gifts wrapped. and left to be opened by us. and we won’t know what those gifts are until we unwrap them. just like i couldn't see what a gift the world LAP was, until i unwrapped the meaning behind it. 

it is impossible to ignore the LAPPING/WRAPPING/TRAPPINGS of this season of giving. our gifts are always wrapped. in fact it is the wrapping that indicates something is a gift. i need to see all these LAPS that i am bemoaning for what they are. they are gifts.

why are gifts wrapped? for the surprise element. gifts are supposed to be unknown until they are unwrapped. i do like a surprise. so i should like unwrapping these LAPs and finding the treasure that each one holds for me. and excitedly set out on the next one. 

i think that the fact that we WRAP gifts might just be a hilariously tricky way that God reveals the truth of His ultimate gift that was wrapped in clothes for us. whatever gift we unwrap, if it is a true gift from the Father of Lights, it is always Jesus. 

because much like we LAP our gifts in wrap, God is the One who ultimately LAPPED our gifts. and in a way, His gifts are unknown until they are unwrapped. they are still there. they are still already bought for us. but we may not realize it, until we take off the wrapping, or shall i say, the LAPPING? giving is His prerogative. the unwrapping/LAPping is ours. 

the LAPS reveal the gifts to us. as we uncoil the seasons of our lives, lap upon lap, unfolding each layer, taking each turn, and like layers of gift wrap, eventually we see in part (One Day we will see fully) what the LAPS have held in store for us. the gift God gives is always the same. it is always Himself. wrapped up in each LAP.

so God’s richest gifts are LAPPED in the truest sense of the Word.

each lap is wrapped in uncertainty. i don’t know what each lap will hold. what God has wrapped up in each lap. but i do know it is for my good and for His glory. it will mean that with each LAP, long as they may be, and also with the one to come immediately after, He is making me more into His image. which is more who i was ultimately created to be. more myself as i become more fully His. unwrapping the LAPS that are woven into this story. 

i am free to run LAPS now. not to win. because the prize has been won for me. with His LAPPING. i run from a place of gratitude. not because i have to win. but because i know it has been won for me. from a place of joy. knowing each LAP is in some way polishing me. making me shine. confidant that all the time i am held in His LAP. sitting in the fold of His Grace. letting His perfect Garment of Salvation enfold me. always. lapped in love. 

“The more we let God take us over (dare i add to lewis by saying “LAP US” instead of “take us over”), the more truly ourselves we become - because He made us. He invented us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be. . .It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.”   {c.s. lewis}

LAP away friends. LAP away.