we should get an update from the dr. today. she had another ct scan last night and he will interpret the results. waiting is hard, really hard. i told someone that i know why Jesus was only in the tomb for 3 days... it was because after three days it is too hard to wait anymore, you are all cried out.
i am tired, really tired. an ache in my bones tired. david wrote about it in the psalms a lot. his bones ached and cried out a lot. now i understand what he meant. i wish i didn’t.
i try to sleep, but all my memories keep me awake and tossing and turning all night. good memories mostly and the ones where i didn’t visit with her for a couple of days because i was too “busy”. i linger and hate to leave her bedside at the hospital now, why didn’t i linger a little bit last week when i saw her, or the thousands of times before? life is funny like that isn’t it?
the really hard moments...
coming home thursday night and seeing the christmas gift that we had ordered her on my front porch (a gel mat for her kitchen, we gave her the samples and let her pick the color she wanted for christmas and then i ordered it and it arrived on thursday, perfect timing).
yesterday seeing one of her life long friends lean over her bed and talk to her and hold her hand. realizing that this woman had known and loved my mom much longer and in a totally different way than i did. i thought of my friends, waiting by the phone for an update from me. friends who have one hand on the phone and the other on a set of car keys waiting to hear if i need them, ready to abandon their lives, families, and plans for whatever i need NO MATTER the distance separating us. i cried for the joy of having those kinds of friends, and for the sorrow that i realized mama’s friends are feeling.
rosie saying that she missed me being around yesterday that she needs me to be with her and me thinking “i miss my mama too and i need her to be with me, what do i do about that?” and then rosie asking “do you think granby got me a birthday present?” and me being a little bit mad at her because that is what she is thinking about. but that was me being tired and once i remembered how important presents are to me (wonder where rosie gets that from?) and to my mama, i realized that if i went to her house, i bet i would find a wrapped gift with rosie’s name on it somewhere all ready to go to the party. realizing that i did not want to go to the house and look for that present because every thing i saw would hurt too much and finding that present with a card signed by her might put me over the edge right now.
balancing my marshall family’s needs with my noblin’s family needs (thankfully we have so much food that has arrived at the house that my marshall’s family’s food needs are met for about 3 years). but the week is beginning and the after school rush is on and the homework and the just living a life with three kids and a husband part. once again, i am so grateful to adam that i am not employed, his sacrifices make this so much easier. he has been a rock, and has worked his fingers to the bone at the house this weekend, keeping everything together. you should see his skills at fitting 68 pounds of ham into an already packed fridge, truly an olympic feat.
did i mention the waiting? the not knowing, this sitting and watching every monitor in the hospital room that measure every jot and tittle of her physical life and wondering why is that number up, why is that one going down? the waiting, the watching, the hoping, the praying, the living, the loving... that is the hardest part.