i'm a gomer...

i think we all should have realized when a guy named hosea marries a woman named gomer that things were going to go downhill from there. or maybe it was this first couple of verses of hosea that really spelled out how this was going to shake out... i love that God really doesn't tiptoe around the tulips here with hosea... and it is especially hard hitting in the message version...

The first time God spoke to Hosea he said:

“Find a whore and marry her.

    Make this whore the mother of your children.

And here’s why: This whole country

   has become a whorehouse, unfaithful to me, God.”

Hosea did it. He picked Gomer daughter of Diblaim.

She got pregnant and gave him a son.

i was listening today to a sermon on the book of ecclesiastes by my bff matt chandler. well, the book of ecclesiastes is by king solomon. the sermon was by matt chandler. let's get that part straight. and he was in the 5th chapter of ecclesiastes when he had to go and start talking about being in the desert spiritually. 

well, that was exactly what i needed to hear. and by "exactly what i needed to hear" i mean that i listened to it 4 times and cried harder each time i listened. it is a story about the desert. about a woman in the desert. it almost made me question whether my name might mean "gomer" and it also reminded my heart that God takes people into the desert BECAUSE HE LOVES THEM.

Hosea was a normal man who God came to, and He said, “Listen, I want you to marry a hooker.” And Hosea said, “Did you say hooker? Or did you say ‘Read a booker?’ Alright, I lost it there.” And God goes, “No, I said prostitute. I want you to marry a woman of ill repute.

And here’s the thing, Hosea. She’s going to be horrible to you. She’s going to cheat on you over and over and over again. She’s going to betray you. And each time she does, I’m going to increase your love for her so that you can’t wash your hands of it and walk away. And you’re going grieve and you’re going to hurt and you’re going to sob and you’re going to wail, but I’m not going to let you walk away from her.”

And you know, the first thing that struck me, because all that’s in Hosea 1, is that God told Hosea up front. And I love that, because Job, he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on. And then in the very last chapter of Job, God’s like, “Here’s what I was doing.”

I’m a Hosea kind of guy. Just tell me up front, “Look, the next five years are going to be bad, alright. Just brace yourself, because the next five are going to be rough, but then in the end, it will be good.” Yeah, at least he got told up front.

But here’s the thing He says to Hosea in chapter 2, and for me, this left an unbelievable mark on me that I haven’t been able to get away from. In fact, Hosea 2 is probably one of the verses that I quote to myself a bunch as I have continually tried to walk away from and get rid of what became kind of intellectual residue in my heart, and I’m not talking theology’s not important and big books aren’t important. I think that those things are important, but if they are at the expense of your heart and your soul, you’re in trouble. And in a lot of ways, I’m still trying to walk away from my theological education and sync back up in really deep ways with Jesus. And this is one of those verses, because that’s difficult. This is one of those texts that stirs me.

Here’s what He says to Hosea. He says, “Here’s what I’m going to do with Gomer, your cheating wife. I’m going to take her out to the desert, I’m going to allure her, and out in the desert, she’ll finally get tired of herself. And when she finally gets tired of herself...” You want to know the character of God? Listen to what’s next...

“...there I will speak tenderly to her.”

So, He doesn’t take her out into the desert and go, “Shame on you, woman of ill repute.” He doesn’t take her out into the desert to berate her for her sins or to pile on for her poor decisions, He says, “I’m going to take her out into the desert, and when she’s gasping for water, when she’s exhausted of herself, there I will speak tenderly to her and I will increase her vineyards.”

In the Old Testament, wine and joy are this parallel, they’re equal. Like, if you see wine mentioned, they’re talking about the increase in joy.

And He says, “I’ve got to take her out into the desert. I’ve got to take her out there, because the only way to kill certain things is to deprive it of water. And so, I’m going to walk her out into the desert, and I’m going to starve this thing out. And when she’s and almost dying, I’m going to speak tenderly to her, and I’m going to increase her joy.”

And then, look at me, because the next line to me was so heartbreaking and encouraging. He says...

“And out there, out where it’s dry, she’ll finally learn to quit calling me master and start calling me husband.”

And so, for some of you, please hear me, because I’ve been there. Please hear me. Tonight, your in a dry time not because God’s angry with you, but because He desperately loves you. That’s why. Right now, for some of you, the reason you can’t find Him is because He desperately wants you to really find Him. Are you tracking with that idea? Like, for some of you, He feels far so that you might as Acts 17 says, you might, “grope for Him although He is not far from any of us.”

So, maybe you’ve been allured out there. Maybe it’s not sin, maybe it’s not disobedience, maybe God just said, “Okay, I’ve got to kill some stuff in you. Let’s go.”

“Well, what stuff do You want to kill?”

“Well, I could explain it to you now, but you wouldn’t actually believe that it’s actually in your heart, because it’s really, really deep down. I mean, I’ve got to take the plow to you. Let’s get out of here. Let’s go to the desert.”

“Well, I don’t like the desert.”

“Well, I know you don’t, but let’s get out there. Because out there, I can really do a work in you, a work that will make you quit coming to church and quit doing Christiany stuff. Because you think in the end, I can kill you or that I wish you harm.

It’s out here, it’s out in the struggle, it’s out in the fight that you’re finally going to learn that I love you.”

                                       matt chandler "approaching the divine"

it is going to be in the desert that i finally learn that He loves me. and it is going to be in this desert that i learn to call Him "beloved" not "master." i am going to wrestle with Him until the break of day and i will not let Him go until i see His face. until He blesses me. it may wound me forever. but i will wrestle in this desert. because He is faithful and true.

p.s. here was the first thing i every heard from matt chandler. and i have been a huge fan of his ever since. i have listened to almost every sermon he has preached since 2006. his sermons make me love Jesus more. the end. 

move it or lose it...

​if i don’t “move it” everyday, i will “lose it” and the “it” is my mind. and 12 steps of forward progress on the sanctification scale. hmmm, is there a sanctification scale? not stepping on to weigh myself on that on anytime soon...

or a regular scale either. just thought i would add that for clarity.

so let’s run right toward the second of the two things that i KNOW that i need, Lord help my UNKNOWING... 

i need to exercise (and eating well kind of falls into this category also). ugh. and ugh. and huge sigh of remorse inserted here...

it is a lesson that i THOUGHT i learned a few years ago. when i started running everyday and loved running. i kind of got obsessed with it. lost myself in the pursuit of skinnyness (hard to imagine if you look at me now). i wasn’t exercising for health’s sake. but for vanity. and i got lost in it. the pursuit. 

really lost. like a year of my life where i exercised 5 hours or more a day. ate less than 1000 calories a day and wrote down everything that went into my mouth kind of lost. where it is the ONE thing that matters most in your life. and it is how you judge whether you are good or bad by how many calories you won or lost that day.

but i am trying to remember what was good about those days, what was not obsession but just healthy. and it was the running part. i LOVED the running just for running’s sake. i know... crazy talk. and i still love it. i just love it at a slower pace. and mixed with some walking. not counting every calorie and measuring and freaking out if i am “over” for the day and panicking. that wasn’t healthy. but NOT exercising because i am afraid of going over into the dark side, isn’t healthy either. it is just another dark side.

i am a bit like the israelites in the old testament. one season OVER OBSESSIVE about the temple and how it looked and the next season FORGETTING TOTALLY about the temple and letting it fall into ruin. there is a middle place. a healthy place.

in my short term memory life of the oh so DAILY  i forget that i LOVE to run. that i NEED it. until i am actually running. 5 minutes before i run, i hate it. then a few steps into it... LOVE. and then the rest of the day as i am a more loving and gracious and joyful person because i have stretched my body and done what it needs to be healthy. 

but the next day, i forget it again. 

i forgot it for a few years. then a month ago, i started running again. i had been walking pretty faithfully for about 6 months. but one day i heard a song on my ipod that made me want to run. and so i ran. slow. but steady. and now i am up to about 3 miles a day.

when i remember that i love to run. but every day i seem to forget...

i think something akin to this happens...

luke 9:14

The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, 

but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures,

 and they do not mature.

life’s worries, riches, and pleasures choke me. and make me forget what i KNOW. and i do not mature. i keep learning the same lessons again. insane. as einstein defined it...

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. 

{albert einstein} 

i KNOW that i am a physical being. that i have physical limits given to me by God. unique ones. i must sleep and i must exercise and i must control what i eat. that is how He made me. and He made me that way for a reason. a Good reason. 

maybe i have to run because running is my favorite time to listen to sermons (i am in the middle of ephesians series with matt chandler right now, plus i listened to his current one on authority: government and institutions while i ran on tuesday to the church outside my neighborhood where i vote. it was a great one to listen to while going to vote.) somedays i am not in a sermony mood and just listen to music. mostly worship and praise music. with a couple of christina aquilera tunes thrown in for good measure. which might be the only times the words “worship and praise” and “christina aquilera” were ever used in back to back succession.

perhaps it is the only time that God can pry me away from my million and one things i must do or die list and focus completely on His voice. on learning more. on loving more. on living more fully.

yesterday during my run (maxx, my cross country boy call my running “run-ish” because i go so slow) i listened to the  song “i am running” by klaus (not santa) here are the lyrics... here is why i want to run...

“I hear the voice

It’s the voice of the One I love

He’s calling my name

I hear the voice

The voice of the One I love,

He’s calling my  name

He’s saying…

“Come up higher

I hear the angels sing

Come up higher, my beloved

Come up higher and leave this world behind

I find you to be beautiful.”

I am running, running after You

You’ve become my soul’s delight

I am running, running after You

Here with You I find my life.”

i feel beautiful when i run. not the world’s definition of beauty because God knows that is not how i must look when i run (and thank God there are no mirrors out where i run) but i feel beautiful by some other standard. some much more important standard. and not so fickle and finite.

Eric Liddell: I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure. 

lea marshall: i believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me slow. and when i run i feel His pleasure.

psalm 119: 32 

I run in the path of Your commands,
for You have broadened my understanding.

hebrews 12:1-2

... let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith.

my prayer is that KNOWING that i have physical limits and that they are for my GOOD and that He has created me to NEED physical exercise every day will sink deep today... and tomorrow... and the day after that.

What matters is not the idea a man holds,

but the depth at which he holds it.

{ezra pound}

forty three... or forty FREE!

that is where i ran/walked this morning. on my forty-third birthday. it is my favorite place to run/walk. and look closely. here is another photo that i took...

it is a cemetery. fitting, huh? 

i actually started walking through there a few weeks ago. i had gone past it many times but this one day decided that there was no good reason not to run in there (besides they can’t laugh at my sloooooooooooow pace). 

and right as i turned in the sermon (a matt chandler sermon, of course) that i was listening to came to these beautiful verses...

Ephesians 2 (Made Alive in Christ)

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 

in which you used to live 

when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, 

the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 

All of us also lived among them at one time, 

gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. 

Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. 

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 

made us alive with Christ 

even when we were dead in transgressions—

it is by grace you have been saved. 

And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 

in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, 

expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—

and this not from yourselves, 

it is the gift of God— 

not by works, so that no one can boast. 

For we are God's workmanship, 

created in Christ Jesus to do good works, 

which God prepared in advance for us to do.

truly there is no greater word in all of Scripture than that little “but”. i was dead, now i am alive. through no work of my own. no one in those graves can do anything to get themselves out of them. same with me and my sin. i was hopeless, helpless, but not hapless (deserving pity). i deserved wrath BUT i got mercy. i got love. i got Christ. i got life. i got the greatest birthday gift ever. rebirth.

i have trusted Him to bring me to life for this life and for the next. i know enough of Him in this life to have seen small glimpses of the beauty and goodness and wonderfulness that will be to come when He defeats totally the two things that i could not defeat on my own... evil and death.

hallelujah. what a Savior. 

what a wonderful birthday gift. the gift of BUT. the gift of running among the graves on a fall morning that just happens to be your 43rd birthday.

summer FAIL...

summer is almost over... this is our last week. and i should be wearing the above t-shirt...

because i have been evaluating our few successes of the summer (i will recount them in another post). but this post will be reserved for the FAILURES this summer....

oh, all the things i “meant to do”

...which are just mind games according to my dear friend over at cheaper by the baker’s dozen...

“If we are always planning to get around to doing something, but we never Do It... we're just playing mind games with ourselves. We may "feel" good because we are thinking about doing it, but nothing is actually accomplished. Don't fool yourself. Some of us are expert planners ....but don't get all that much done.”

i am an EXPERT PLANNER... not so much an EXPERT DO-ER. sigh. 

and so for your edification and in the spirit of honesty in blogging... i shamefully present my summer list of FAILS.

i didn’t make millie drive enough. i PLANNED to have her drive us everywhere we went. but since she doesn’t ask, and doesn’t really LOVE driving... and since i do LOVE control of the wheel and it is really really really hard on my nervous system to hand over control... well, she didn’t drive very much. i need to be much more intentional on her driving. and find some kind of drug to make the whole process easier on me. she is a good driver. very safe. very cautious. but it just takes a kind of super vigilance to be a driving instructor in a HUGE suburban with a 16 year old very cautious driver. it takes nerves of steel and depends undergarments. 

i didn’t exercise everyday. i downloaded all of matt chandler’s ephesians series to listen to while walking. FAIL. no walking. no ephesians. i did manage to get a few walks in and kept up with the colossians series (which is awesome). but i did not get nearly enough movement time this summer. totally failed on that goal. total failure on taking responsibility for my health. 

i meant to clean out EVERY room of my house. i meant to paint my bedroom (actually adam shot that one down. seemed that our new couches project was all the home changing that he wanted to do this year. the bedroom color change will have to be put on hold for a while). i meant to organize every inch of our lives. but i didn’t. my desk is cluttered. the kitchen cabinets are cluttered. my brain is cluttered. and school is beginning. that is not a good combination. 

i didn’t make war... “I hear so many Christians murmuring about their imperfections and their failures and their addictions and their short-comings, And I see so little war! ‘Murmur, murmur, murmur… Why am I this way?’ MAKE WAR!” said by John Piper (and quoted by my friend, dina. how come all my friends seem to be quoting things online that are really speaking directly to me? they need to STOP THAT!!!!!!!) i ignored my imperfections and failures. just let them simmer over the summer months. they may be at full boil now. spilling over and burning everything (and everyone) who comes near.

i was a horrible wife. i hardly ever made dinner. i slept late while my hard working husband got up early and worked incredibly full days (and some nights) while i lounged the days away. i watched way too much t.v., surfed the internet way too much, and basically failed “time management 101”.  however in “selfishness 101”, i have earned a perfect score with many extra credit points (they may even ask me to teach the class next semester. perhaps i should decline.)

but there is hope. and sometimes it comes from online friends also... in this case from ann voskamp at holy experience...

what to look for when endings come...

she says that to her husband that “August always hurts a bit, August with its endings.” oooh, i know that pain. the pain of the ending. the pain of failure to make the most of every moment between the beginning and this ending. the failure of wasting opportunities. the failure of imperfection. the failure of being human and wanting so much more...

it hurts because she "can just feel all these endings coming." and this year is FULL of endings for me... rosie’s last year in elementary school, maxx’s last year in middle school. millie every moment drawing closer to her last year at home.

and her husband encourages her with, "So when you feel all the endings coming ... 

begin looking for all the beginnings." 

the firstborn of the resurrected, 

the Alpha and the Omega, 

the beginning and the end and Him who was, and is, and is to come... 

"See, I am doing a new thing! 

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? 

I am making a way in the desert 

and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19 

and here it is in the message version...

Isaiah 43:19 (The Message)

This is what God says,
   the God who builds a road right through the ocean,
   who carves a path through pounding waves,
The God who summons horses and chariots and armies—
   they lie down and then can't get up;
   they're snuffed out like so many candles:
"Forget about what's happened;
   don't keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. 

I'm about to do something brand-new.
   It's bursting out! Don't you see it?
There it is! I'm making a road through the desert,
   rivers in the badlands.

it is a time NOT of endings... but of beginnings. i have the choice to see it like that. to believe in it like that.  it is time to BE ALERT and to BE PRESENT.

home sweet home...

two things i read and marked recently about how i want my home to feel...

"This house told more about Mrs. Parker than words ever could. Here were beautiful things . . . Beautiful things were here to be used.

In the midst of this loveliness there was comfort . . . People lived here and liked it.

Mary sensed that this pleasant atmosphere was not because of the lovely things in the house but because of Mrs. Parker herself. She understood now what Mrs. Parker gave [her husband] . . . how she surrounded her husband in his home with all the things in which he could rejoice. She realized now that Mrs. Parker was not just an older girl, for all her unquenchable youthfulness. She was a woman who understood and delighted in the task that was hers."

--Mildred Foulke Meese, Star Light, Star Bright (1940)

feel free to use the words “unquenchable youthfulness” in all of your descriptions of me. 

“She (Angela Thomas) described how she prays every day for the Spirit of God to lay across her house. And she prays her kids will feel it. She prays they feel the Spirit of God when they eat their cereal and when they blow dry their hair and they kick their shoes underneath their bed and when they hang out as a family.

She prays the Spirit of God laying on top of them will become their normal and what feels right. That way if they leave home and start sticking their toes outside the will of God it will feel so wrong, they will just have to run back to Him.

I love that. I want my kids to crave the covering of God as well. So, I've started praying for the Spirit of God to lay across my house each day too.”

from lysa terkeurst’s blog

with two teenagers in this home we need the Spirit of God laying on top of this place more than ever. we all need His restraining power over my tongue, His Words to fill my heart and my mouth, and His steadfast love pouring through my actions. so if you come over to visit our home, let me know if you feel a certain weight as the Spirit of God lays across the house. 

**** SHAMELESS PLUG COMING UP HERE******** thank goodness we have a new roof (put on last year by my brother max of heritage roofing... because if you are pray for the Holy Spirit to lay across your house you should definitely have a reasonably secure roof)...

i love a shameless plug. 

here is another one. matt chandler of the village church. find him on itunes and download and listen to him preach. and by preach i mean “say everything that lea really needs to hear”.

here he is on youtube with my other b.f.f. johnny piper. i am not sure why i wasn’t asked to this little party. my invitation must have been lost in the mail. right, johnny? 

or find the sermons here and listen to the entire two years that he preached through the book of luke. i have listened to most of luke and it has sharpened my faith and made me see God more clearly. and that is a good thing. always. in all ways.