summer is almost over... this is our last week. and i should be wearing the above t-shirt...
because i have been evaluating our few successes of the summer (i will recount them in another post). but this post will be reserved for the FAILURES this summer....
oh, all the things i “meant to do”
...which are just mind games according to my dear friend over at cheaper by the baker’s dozen...
“If we are always planning to get around to doing something, but we never Do It... we're just playing mind games with ourselves. We may "feel" good because we are thinking about doing it, but nothing is actually accomplished. Don't fool yourself. Some of us are expert planners ....but don't get all that much done.”
i am an EXPERT PLANNER... not so much an EXPERT DO-ER. sigh.
and so for your edification and in the spirit of honesty in blogging... i shamefully present my summer list of FAILS.
i didn’t make millie drive enough. i PLANNED to have her drive us everywhere we went. but since she doesn’t ask, and doesn’t really LOVE driving... and since i do LOVE control of the wheel and it is really really really hard on my nervous system to hand over control... well, she didn’t drive very much. i need to be much more intentional on her driving. and find some kind of drug to make the whole process easier on me. she is a good driver. very safe. very cautious. but it just takes a kind of super vigilance to be a driving instructor in a HUGE suburban with a 16 year old very cautious driver. it takes nerves of steel and depends undergarments.
i didn’t exercise everyday. i downloaded all of matt chandler’s ephesians series to listen to while walking. FAIL. no walking. no ephesians. i did manage to get a few walks in and kept up with the colossians series (which is awesome). but i did not get nearly enough movement time this summer. totally failed on that goal. total failure on taking responsibility for my health.
i meant to clean out EVERY room of my house. i meant to paint my bedroom (actually adam shot that one down. seemed that our new couches project was all the home changing that he wanted to do this year. the bedroom color change will have to be put on hold for a while). i meant to organize every inch of our lives. but i didn’t. my desk is cluttered. the kitchen cabinets are cluttered. my brain is cluttered. and school is beginning. that is not a good combination.
i didn’t make war... “I hear so many Christians murmuring about their imperfections and their failures and their addictions and their short-comings, And I see so little war! ‘Murmur, murmur, murmur… Why am I this way?’ MAKE WAR!” said by John Piper (and quoted by my friend, dina. how come all my friends seem to be quoting things online that are really speaking directly to me? they need to STOP THAT!!!!!!!) i ignored my imperfections and failures. just let them simmer over the summer months. they may be at full boil now. spilling over and burning everything (and everyone) who comes near.
i was a horrible wife. i hardly ever made dinner. i slept late while my hard working husband got up early and worked incredibly full days (and some nights) while i lounged the days away. i watched way too much t.v., surfed the internet way too much, and basically failed “time management 101”. however in “selfishness 101”, i have earned a perfect score with many extra credit points (they may even ask me to teach the class next semester. perhaps i should decline.)
but there is hope. and sometimes it comes from online friends also... in this case from ann voskamp at holy experience...
what to look for when endings come...
she says that to her husband that “August always hurts a bit, August with its endings.” oooh, i know that pain. the pain of the ending. the pain of failure to make the most of every moment between the beginning and this ending. the failure of wasting opportunities. the failure of imperfection. the failure of being human and wanting so much more...
it hurts because she "can just feel all these endings coming." and this year is FULL of endings for me... rosie’s last year in elementary school, maxx’s last year in middle school. millie every moment drawing closer to her last year at home.
and her husband encourages her with, "So when you feel all the endings coming ...
begin looking for all the beginnings."
the firstborn of the resurrected,
the Alpha and the Omega,
the beginning and the end and Him who was, and is, and is to come...
"See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:19
and here it is in the message version...
Isaiah 43:19 (The Message)
This is what God says,
the God who builds a road right through the ocean,
who carves a path through pounding waves,
The God who summons horses and chariots and armies—
they lie down and then can't get up;
they're snuffed out like so many candles:
"Forget about what's happened;
don't keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present.
I'm about to do something brand-new.
It's bursting out! Don't you see it?
There it is! I'm making a road through the desert,
rivers in the badlands.
it is a time NOT of endings... but of beginnings. i have the choice to see it like that. to believe in it like that. it is time to BE ALERT and to BE PRESENT.