the finish line...

mom’s blood pressure is done this morning. my sister just called and i am going to dress and head to hospice. karen and i were there until 2 and then meredith came to stay until dad came. i slept about 6 hours IN MY OWN BED just now and feel so much better.

i am encouraged by how many times Jesus said in the new testament “how long....?” He felt what we feel... how long can this go on?

and the answer is, until God says so... until He is ready, until His work through this is done. we don’t know all that He is doing, we just come alongside Him and tell Him that unless He goes with us we can’t make it.

there was one moment when i woke up this morning where i didn’t remember that my mom had a stroke, i didn’t think of her in that bed... and then it hit me, the wave of knowledge, the ocean of sadness, the realization that today might be the day that she leaves me for heaven. 

we are ready for her to go to heaven.... we are not ready... we cannot stand to see her in that bed, not truly herself... we do not want to see that bed empty... the swinging of my emotions might be the hardest thing to deal with. i think that is why God gave us the psalms. david did a lot of asking “how long”? did God ever tell david the answers to the “how long” questions? that i don’t know... but i do know that david praised God in the midst of the questions and most of all he trusted that God knew “how long”....

 PSALM 62:3-4 My soul is in anguish. 
       How long, O LORD, how long?

Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; 
       save me because of your unfailing love.

Psalm 13

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? 

       How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts 
       and every day have sorrow in my heart? 
       How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. 
       Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," 
       and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; 
       my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD, 
       for he has been good to me.

i too will sing to the LORD, He has been good to me, to my family, to my mother, to all who know her and love her. i sing to the LORD, the one who know “how long”...