don't waste your life on my blog...

really, you should read this blog entry to write a life story: by ann voskamp

if you read that, you are not obligated to read this entry. but don’t read this entry unless you read that one first (of course that means that you will NEVER read my writing again because that ann gal CAN WRITE and she uses capitals).

OK, now that you have read that entry and might be back to my entry can we have a collective WOW!

that whole concept of “losing your life” hits a “i love summer because i can do what i want all day” kind of gal like myself in the gut. and “do what i want all day” usually translates into reading, computering, lazing around, scrapbooking, going to the movies, doing my own things, etc....

or as ann would put it activities of “little risk”. doing what makes me happy and maybe not necessarily what pleases God. 

i thought about the last two days after reading that blog post. i spent a LOT of time with the kids at the mall and at costco. i spent time in two eye doctor’s offices with millie and her quickly changing prescription and introduction to contact lenses. i spent time waiting for her to have her hair cut. i spent time waiting as she and rosie tried on clothes at the mall and maxx showed me EVERY hoops and yo you singing card in hallmark and all that waiting and doing things OTHER people wanted to do- WORE ME SLAP OUT. i was exhausted and cranky because those trips were ALL about other people (mostly my kids and the college gals who went with me on those forays). i was not “at my best” shall we say graciously.

i am used to large chunks of time by myself while my three are at school. time doing stuff i want to do in the time i want to do it. even if it is cleaning, washing, cooking... it is done mostly alone and my way and my time. summer is a time when i have to do everything with my three kids and that gets in the way of MY time. as if it really was MY time ever.

i think it all belongs to Him....

perhaps i need to be a bit more risky with my time. give it all to Him and see what He wants me to do with it. 

maybe laying aside my desires and my selfishness and really being open handed with my time is what summer should be about....

loving well, investing in people, relationships MUST matter over all else. i am only paying lip service to Christ if my calendar doesn’t show this. or if my checkbook doesn’t reflect this. 

if my day ends and the 564 to-do boxes have all been checked off (and i LOVE to check off a to-do box) and they were boxes that really didn’t have anything to do with His plans or His purposes for my life. then i have failed at living a life that matters for eternity.

i must lay my head on my pillow at night and my ONLY priority for the day must have been accomplished for me to be successful at the brief little time we are alloted on earth...

i loved God and i loved others. that’s all there is.

i think that is called “die to self”.

and well frankly, death is hard.

i watched my mom die this year and one time when the nurse was giving her morphine, i asked why mom needed drugs since she had the stroke and didn’t seem to really be “very aware” of much. 

the hospice nurse said simply, “death always hurts.”

that is so true. 

it hurts those who sit at the bedside and watch someone die. it hurts the person that is dying. death hurts.

our perishable self doesn’t like to be so perishable and it fights that with pain. 

it hurts to die to self too. to give up our plans, to risk being hurt, to be humble, to give up our right to have things done OUR WAY. that is very painful. 

death hurts.

but death with Christ leads to something better. His death led to my salvation. my mom’s death led her straight to Heaven. can my little acts of killing of my pride and selfishness, painful though they be, lead to some greater glory?

they must. 

so i am off to die to self.

i will let you know how that works out for me.