i declare...

someone (that i love dearly) posted this on facebook a while ago. and it kind of made me throw up in my mouth a little bit... & so i snapped a photo of it & let it sit in my photos to see if it was just that day that made me so weirded out by this "declaration" or if it truly was as nauseating over time as it was on that first sighting... & the answer was that it really made me feel a little bit sick every time i kept seeing it. so here is the "declaration"...

We would never imagine that getting our heart's deepest desires might be the worst thing that can ever happen to us. {tim keller}

so i tweaked the declaration a bit... 

I DECLARE that God will take His own perfect timing in accomplishing His plan for my life as I put my trust in Him. And maybe the waiting IS the most important part of learning to trust in Him. I will accomplish my dreams ONLY if they are His higher and better dreams for my life. And they will be accomplished in the perfect timing that He ordained from the beginning of time. Because the goal isn't the accomplishment of the dream, it is the faith that each step takes me further away from my own self, and closer to the REAL lea that He has known and fashioned from the beginning of time.  It may take years to overcome an obstacle, and maybe that very obstacle is the thorn in my flesh that is His strength perfected in my weakness and dependance on Him. And maybe that obstacle is the BEST DAMN THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME but i live in an upside down kingdom and can't tell north from south. and i will never get out of my ultimate debt that was totally paid by His Work on the cross which means that ALL things (even the things that look like horrible things) can work for my good and His glory. God is doing things faster and slower than i could ask or imagine. And His clock is eternal and actually exists outside of time itself. He will give me victory in the strangest of ways and some of the GREATEST victories will most likely look like abject defeats. He has blessings that will last through eternity and may not show up until then. and i will be grateful for it all. this is MY declaration.

i wish i could DECLARE things and they would happen. but usually it is the LORD who declares things... and i am learning to trust His declarations over mine.

Isaiah 30:1-3  “Ah, stubborn children,” declares the Lord,
“who carry out a plan, but not mine...

Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.

dear "fearful mama"...

remember how i told you that i don't give advice...

a friend asked me for advice last week (i had yet to write my "i don't give advice" blog post), and i told her that i don't give advice. i told her to pray. search the Scriptures. and to trust God. that's all i got people. that's it.​

but i thought later that i did have a little advice for her... and i will offer it here. ​thus proving that i like to break my own rules. i am such a rebel.

my dear friend is the mother of lots of children. like more than 3 and less than 100. and she is struggling with fear of letting them go. letting them out of her sight for an extended period of time. frankly if i had more than 3 children i would have to let some of them out of my sight for YEARS at a time. i can't look at more than 3 kids for an extended period of time. ​i only have two eyes. how can i even watch 3 kids?

so back to "fearful mama." her kids are all ages 30 and up. ha . just kidding.​ they are teenagers and down to adorable toddlers. and it is those teenagers that she wants to let try out their wings a bit. but there is fear involved in watching them try their wings. especially if you are not right there by their side. they may crash. they most likely will. have you met teenagers? crash test dummies crash less than they do...

so here is how i deal/dealt with/will continue to deal with fear. and i got a plenty of fear sister. on those rare/everyday occasions where i let it take me into the dark places... i let it take me there for a moment (so much for that "take every thought captive" system) but i have one caveat for fear... i let it take me there and then i utter these words when i am imagining the WORSE (and i have a vivid imagination)...

"in all my vain imaginings of this HORRIBLE future... is God still God in this future?"

and even in my WILDEST imaginings, i cannot imagine a future where God is not God. ​

the worse could happen. it does happen. and i know women who have endured those WORSE days...​

​- your husband is convicted of a horrible crime. 

- "i am in love with someone else."​

- your checking, savings, any account you ever had is empty.​

- "hello mam, are you ______'s mother? he is in custody."​

- your daughter has a brain tumor.​ they say it is inoperable.

- "i am sorry to tell you that we don't think you are ever going to get pregnant.​"

- your high school senior isn't going to graduate with his class.​

- "mom, i don't want to be a Christian anymore.​"

- the adoption fell through.​

- "this pregnancy isn't viable."

​but EVERY one of these woman walked into that day with God as God. and that same God that saw them through that WORSE day has continued to walk with them to this very day. He is still God. and He has used a lot of these WORSE days to do some of the MOST AMAZING things i have ever seen.​

He has a way of working the WORST things into the BEST things. ​

He did that with a dark day 2000 years ago. when He turned away from His Son hanging on a cross. for a moment He left Him alone on the WORST day ever. so that we wouldn't ever face our WORST day alone. ​His grace will cover our WORST days.

it covers our REAL worst days. it doesn't cover my imagined worst days though. those aren't real. ​

but God is real. His love is real. His grace is real. He is near to you on your best day. and holds you even tighter on those worst days.​ your shaking doesn't shake Him. 

so "fearful mama" no matter what you are imagining... most likely it won't happen. but even if it does. even if it is WORSE than WORSE than WORSE, God is still there. He is in control. He is always Good. He is always Loving you. on the best days. on the worst days. and He is the Judge of best and worst and we don't always have the eyes to see which is which.​

let's look a little wider on that verse i used on the previous post. i think it will speak to "fearful mama" and to me. and maybe to those of you having a WORST day. or a best day...​

Isaiah 49:15-17 Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

Your children hasten back, and those who laid you waste depart from you.

he hasn't forgotten. He sees you. He sees your fearful self. He sees how the WORST has laid you waste. still perfect Love drives out fear.​ it makes the waste depart from you. so whatever the WORST day brings... He will take the trash out. the WORST will not be WASTEful. it will be of great WORTH. 

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

need advice?

then ask someone else. i don't really give advice anymore.​

want to know why i am a plus sized gal? because i have eaten so many of my words.​

rich rich words. and lots of them going back down my gullet. ​they stuck in my throat. and they burned going back down...

i feel a lot like the 2nd earl of rochester. whoever the heck he was. but he did have this great quote...​

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.”

John Wilmot (2nd Earl of Rochester) quotes (English Poet, 1647-1680)

​still have a theory about HOW to raise children? have another child. that will help destroy that theory. because no two children are the same. thank goodness i only had three theories.

i used to teach a parenting class. i told sweet younger moms how to do everything "right". i don't teach that class anymore. no one was really asking me to teach it again.

but i like to say that i became too smart to teach it... not smart about parenting. but about how "wrong" "right" could turn out.​ and how i didn't want to lead people into any more legalism. i don't think you should teach classes in things you haven't graduated from yet. at least i shouldn't. i don't need to eat any more words. or think i am doing it "right". that isn't good for me. i think it stalls the sanctification process...

“The only people who get better are people who know that, if they never get better, God will love them anyway.” ― Steve Brown, A Scandalous Freedom: The Radical Nature of the Gospel

​not that there aren't a million WISE ways to raise kids. but there isn't one RIGHT way... except praying like crazy. reading the Scriptures and asking God to tell you what YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND ALONE need to know about your children. your family. your parenting.

i believe in raising children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. and that will look very different at your house than at mine. because God has gifted you in different ways than He has gifted me. He has made your kids more or less introverted than mine. or manic raging extraverts. ​or a crazy wild mixture of both. and He has given me three children. not one. not two. and praise His Almighty Name, not 12 or 20. 

i do hang out with some of the wisest ladies ever. older ladies with children who are grown. and most of the advice they give me are these three words...​

i don't know.​

ugh. those "mature Christians" are so frustrating. i need some kind of "12 steps and it will all be perfect" plan. "check these boxes and then take a nap" plan. seems that no one i admire has one of those to hand out.​

then after these older wiser women whip out their "i don't know"s they tell me to pray. to read Scripture. to obey what God is telling me. even if it involves doing something different than the way they did it. ​they aren't so confidant that they did it "right." they are more confident in a God who cannot do anything wrong. they know He will guide and lead us in His paths. they believed Him when He said that He gives wisdom to those who ask Him. His path for me is especially tailored for me. for who He is creating me to be... slowly. painfully. and on rare but beautiful occasions, very joyfully.

besides why would i hold out a post it note of advice to you when i could point you to the One who holds the whole world in His nail scarred hands?

Isaiah 49:16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

food for a mother’s soul...

“...Strong enough for toddler tantrums and teenage testing, yet broken enough to fall on her knees and pray, pray, pray.

Someone who knows that in every hard place is exactly where you extend grace, who looks a hopeful child in the eye and says yes, even though she knows every yes means a mess but this is how you bless, who has the courage to keep letting go because she’s holding on to Me...

...It had to be somebody willing to keep loving when it made no sense because that’s what love does.

Somebody who knew that patience is a willingness to suffer.”

from God made a mother by ann voskamp

disney world circa 2001...

for all my senior friends...

for all the teenagers i know and love who are seniors... (though i have a lot of senior citizen friends also and this would still apply)...

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.

There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want.

You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it.

I hope you make the best of it.

And I hope you see things that startle you.

I hope you feel things you never felt before.

I hope you meet people with a different point of view.

I hope you live a life you’re proud of.

If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”

F. Scott Fitzgerald