the above photo is maxx in his hammock. he was trying out his new hammock in the back yard before he took it on his boy scout order of the arrow ordeal weekend. he loves his hammock. everyone loves his hammock. millie even took a nap in it the other afternoon. it is the place everyone wants to be.
i love this photo because that is exactly what i want to do with my kids right now. smother them (and not in the “get me arrested” kind of way). but in the “protect them for all harm” kind of way. see how happy maxx looks all smothered in his hammock. what could be wrong with a little smothering? well, you obviously aren’t a teenager with a smother mother.
that left me feeling not so great about my mothering this mother’s day. in fact there was a point in the day when i retreated to “take a nap” and by “take a nap” i mean cry in my bed. and then fall asleep. so i really did “take a nap”. i am all about the truth. i said i was going to take a nap and so i did.
i feel so inadequate as a mother right now. so second guessing of every decision i ever made or am trying to make. i feel like a failure as a mother. in the past i have always had a lot of confidence in my mothering abilities. you are aware that i have read EVERY book ever published about being a mother. i read some of them twice. and i highlighted in a lot of them. and took notes. and made laminated charts. lots of lamination involved in my parenting. if anyone should know how to do this “right” it is me. i was learned, highlighting, speed reading, laminating ME. who is also failing miserably, crying herself to nap, praying without ceasing, there is no laminated chart to help ME.
yesterday i did have a brief moment where i thought that maybe in this whole scheme of life down here in a place that is sometimes the very opposite of how it is done in heaven (sermon of the mount kind of opposites) that if i felt like a failure this mother’s day that it might be my most successful mother’s day ever. if i felt weak then He could be strong. if i felt inadequate then i would rely on the only one who is Sufficient. if i let go of my tight tight smothering grasp then maybe the Breath of Life could move in and take over...