what i did/am still doing wrong...

i saw this image on pinterest. and it brought tears. because it is sooooo me and how i think. buddha got this one right. some other things, not so much, but one this one he nailed my and my thought process...

i always think i will have more time later. tomorrow. next week. after Christmas. in the spring. after soccer season. in the summer. when someone is older. wiser.

but if time has taught me anything (and it is teaching me this WAY too slowly) there will not be any more time tomorrow than there was today. the next week. month. season. will be just as busy as this one. so do what needs to be done in this season. enjoy this moment. and at the same time DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

check under your bathroom to see if that cracking floor means something. because it does. and just because you are busy right now doesn't mean that the leak will wait. because it won't.

read to your children. i know you are busy. and tired. but you only have today to do it. you don't have time tomorrow either. do it then also.

stay up ten extra minutes talking to your husband. your child. sending an email to a friend. get up 20 minutes earlier to pray. read what God has written to you about Himself in the Bible. you have the time today. there won't be any more of it tomorrow.

i thought i would have so much time. and i did. in each present moment. and i let so many of them pass waiting for when i would have "more time". 

“I wasted time,

and now doth time waste me; 

For now hath time made me his numbering clock: 

My thoughts are minutes; and with sighs they jar 

Their watches on unto mine eyes, the outward watch, 

Whereto my finger, like a dial's point, 

Is pointing still, in cleansing them from tears. 

Now sir, the sound that tells what hour it is 

Are clamorous goans, which strike upon my heart, 

Which is the bell: so sighs and tears and groans 

Show minutes, times, and hours.”

{william shakespeare}

and while we are on the subject...

well, we were on the subject of "things lea wishes God had left out of the Bible"...

it twill be a short subject because of my fear of lightning bolts. and smiting.

but here is one more thing. and it is a parable. really just one line in the parable really irks/resembles/defines/reprimands me.

this parable of the workers in matthew 20...

 “For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire workers for his vineyard. He agreed to pay them a denarius for the day and sent them into his vineyard.

“About nine in the morning he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing.  He told them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.’ So they went.

“He went out again about noon and about three in the afternoon and did the same thing. About five in the afternoon he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, ‘Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?’

“‘Because no one has hired us,’ they answered.

“He said to them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard.’

“When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.’

“The workers who were hired about five in the afternoon came and each received a denarius. So when those came who were hired first,

they expected to receive more.

But each one of them also received a denarius. When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner. ‘These who were hired last worked only one hour,’ they said, ‘and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.’

 “But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend.  Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius?  Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you.  Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?’

sigh. i too have those times when i "expected to receive more". the message version says it this way... 

"they assumed they would get far more."

again, they wanted the God of exceedingly more. not the God who keeps His word. who acts differently than we would. who has plans way above our plans. thoughts that we can't even wrap the stars around... and i feel their pain of assumptions gone wrong. of expectations unmet. of complaining to the God who has given me the very breath to complain. and then gives me another breath even though i just complained. the God who doesn't smite. when He has every right to smite.

sometimes i wish He would change that order of who gets paid when in the story. so those that expected more don't see the way this story is playing/paying out. but what would be the "fun" in that? what would be the lesson of goodness and sovereignty and Who really Owns what and Who really owes what. He lets us peek at what His goodness really means by letting the workers who were hired first, the most faithful workers, watch everyone else receive their day's wage... and build up their expectations. accumulate their assumptions... and then... unfulfilled. because there is something more important at stake. perhaps knowing Who is really in charge here is the real point of the parable...

because sometimes/every time we look at facebook we get to see everyone else's paydays first and we need to know Who is in charge... especially when their "paydays" just keep building up our assumptions. and then our "payday" doesn't quite meet those expectations. we begin to grumble. we begin to envy. our "poor poor pitiful me's" reach to the sky...

every time we see someone who is pregnant that doesn't "deserve to be pregnant" when a good friend has just had a miscarriage.

every time we hear about a super de duper vacation that "they" got to go on when we know for sure that "they" went on another super de duper vacation just last month and the month before that.

when someone's kitchen has been remodeled 4 times in 10 years and mine is still sporting the 1950's laminate look.

WHEN I STILL DON'T HAVE A LINEN CLOSET.

when someone's child gets into the college of their dreams and your child has no idea what/where/who/when they want/can afford/might or might not get into anywhere.

when a happy happy happy family is all happy happy happy to be together doing happy happy happy holiday things and you can barely DRAG members of your family to help you decorate the tree even when you bribe them with hot chocolate (a very recent personal story. sigh.)

when good people. faithful people. humble people. salt of the earth people. who have worked hard for DECADES lose everything they have financially. and are really past the age to start again.

we were told that God was good and poured out blessings and we assumed those blessing would look like money and vacations and babies galore and happy happy happy families and new laminate countertops and a LINEN CLOSET but He gets to choose the blessings. we get to be grateful. or complain. 

He is good. His goodness to me looks different than His goodness to you. and that has to be fine with me. because He owns it all. and He dispenses grace and mercy the way He dispenses grace and mercy because He owns all grace and mercy also.

selections from psalm 145... 

Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised,

and his greatness is unsearchable.

 On the glorious splendor of your majesty,

and on your wondrous works, I will meditate.

They shall speak of the might of your awesome deeds,

and I will declare your greatness.

They shall pour forth the fame of your abundant goodness

and shall sing aloud of your righteousness.

The Lord is gracious and merciful,

slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

The Lord is good to all,

and his mercy is over all that he has made.

The Lord is faithful in all his words

and kind in all his works.

The Lord upholds all who are falling

and braises up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to you,

and you give them their food in due season.

You open your hand;

you satisfy the desire of every living thing.

The Lord is righteous in all his ways

and kind in all his works.

Goodness is either the great safety or the great danger - according to the way you react to it. And we have reacted the wrong way.

{c.s. lewis, mere christianity}

God has the right to do with His resources as He desires. how can i be envious when He blesses one person with one thing and then blesses me in other ways? the ways that include laminate countertops and no linen closet and me dancing to "rockin' around the Christmas tree" by myself because no one else really wants to dance and decorate the tree? it is all grace. it is all Goodness. it is all undeserved. unmerited. favor. from His storehouse of awesomness...

Psalm 73 (the message)

 No doubt about it! God is good—

    good to good people, good to the good-hearted.

But I nearly missed it,

    missed seeing his goodness.

I was looking the other way,

    looking up to the people

At the top,

    envying the wicked who have it made,

Who have nothing to worry about,

    not a care in the whole wide world...

What’s going on here? Is God out to lunch?

    Nobody’s tending the store.

The wicked get by with everything;

    they have it made, piling up riches.

I’ve been stupid to play by the rules;

    what has it gotten me?

A long run of bad luck, that’s what—

    a slap in the face every time I walk out the door.

If I’d have given in and talked like this,

    I would have betrayed your dear children.

Still, when I tried to figure it out,

    all I got was a splitting headache . . .

Until I entered the sanctuary of God.

    Then I saw the whole picture:

The slippery road you’ve put them on,

    with a final crash in a ditch of delusions.

In the blink of an eye, disaster!

    A blind curve in the dark, and—nightmare!

We wake up and rub our eyes. . . . Nothing.

    There’s nothing to them. And there never was.

When I was beleaguered and bitter,

    totally consumed by envy,

I was totally ignorant, a dumb ox

    in your very presence.

I’m still in your presence,

    but you’ve taken my hand.

You wisely and tenderly lead me,

    and then you bless me.

You’re all I want in heaven!

    You’re all I want on earth!

“Reflection is the business of man;

a sense of his state is his first duty:

but who remembereth himself in joy?

Is it not in mercy then that sorrow is allotted unto us?”

{william shakespeare}

the head that wears the crown...

shakespeare said it well...

“uneasy lies the head that wears the crown”

my dentist put it this way...

“you need a crown on that tooth or you will be in serious trouble soon”.

lea says it this way... 

“uneasy is the bank account that has to pay for the crown”.

and in my reading today was this great quote about a crown...

“I could as often have made similar complaints in return. But let us rather pray for each other and strengthen each other’s hands in the Lord. It is wonderful that God should do anything by such poor, grovelling sinners as we are.

One thing, however, is manifested by it: the work is entirely His own and if we should reach the kingdom of God at last, it must be by great grace. God has honoured us not a little by employing us in this great work. 

But as the honour does not belong to us, we must return it.

The crowns do not seem to fit our heads. 

Therefore, they must be cast at the feet of Jesus.”

This is excerpted from a letter Andrew Fuller wrote to William Carey in 1803.

isn’t that so true... a crown never does fit our heads. i have tried to wear crowns many times... literally and metaphorically.

and they never fit. they slide down. they itch. they are heavy. they make me walk with my nose held high and my pride held higher. 

the work is entirely His own and if i should reach the kingdom of God as last, it will be ONLY by His great grace. God has honored me time and time again by employing me in His great work, His great plans, His great purposes. 

and sometimes i like toi put on the crown...

and it is sooooo pretty and i feel its mantle of greatness for a moment and am so entranced at the way it sparkles. and then i start think my head was certainly made for a crown. until it falls off. or i run into something and it bends the top part back. or it gives me crown-head and an aching headache. then i remember...

this honor must be returned back to Him. the One who deserves it. the One who earned it. the One who is the Heir apparent. the One who wears it Rightly.

the crown never fits my head.

i cast it at His nail pierced feet.

aah, that always feels so much better.

too bad i still have a mouth ache from my earthly crown today.

a spinster and a shrew...

subtitled "why i love shakespeare and drink hot tea."

i spent my junior year abroad (and the rest of my college years i was just a regular girl... ba ding ching, insert drum sound here....) anyway while i was in stratford, UK being all shakepearean and theatrical (which is pretty much how i still spend my days), i learned two important lessons.... 

here is what i learned from the ending of “taming of the shrew” ...

while we were discussing the play “the taming of the shrew”, the professor from stratford, uk was explaining how the final speech by katherine (the shrew that is “tamed”) can end the play on a depressing note (she is beaten down and bested by her husband) or a triumphant note (it is all a joke and she has triumphed and made a great marriage). the theme of the whole play can be changed by how the lines are read. 

i remember writing in my notebook in nice swirly letters “her attitude can determine if it is tragedy or triumph”. and then i looked at what i had written and thought that i certainly was a genius and would be touring the country soon with speaking engagements galore based on my incredible insight at 20 years of age. ok, so i was a bit overdramatic even at that age... 

but nevertheless, it is something that has influenced my life. no matter the hand i am dealt (the lines of the play that are given to me), i CHOOSE the way that i say them (linked to my dr. blazer story on that one, didn’t i? you are reconsidering the genius part, aren’t you?). everyone can leave the theater of LEA depressed or in a great mood. i like the latter of the endings. i also wished everyone paid $$$$ to enter the theater of LEA to hear my lecture on “shakespeare changed my life”, but that is not happening. but some people are reading my blog, so that has to count for something...

and then there was the little old spinster lady who ran the boarding house where i was living. you see, SHOCK TO YOU ALL COMING AHEAD... even though technically i was still kind of sort of dating adam, i was kind of sort of seeing an actor guy in stratford. he was very exciting, wrote sonnets to me, and was a member of the royal shakespeare company, so let’s just say that i was getting some GREAT ideas for all of my papers. 

i remember sitting down with the old spinster lady who ran the boarding house and having a cuppa tea one afternoon (she didn’t sit and talk to us a lot so it was a bit awkward) and she politely asked about my current suitor (the boisterous actor). i explained that he was fun and exciting but that i kind of sort of had a boyfriend back home. i began to describe hard working adam who was working in atlanta in a start up company and trying to make ends meet, some of the sweet things he had mailed me (like secret deodorant since they didn’t sell it in the uk.) and other small things about him... she then began to talk about the difference between hot tea and spirits (alcoholic beverages). i thought she might have had a bit too much of each beverage since this talk was making no sense. i just nodded a lot.

i really thought she was a bit off her rocker until later that night as i was just about to fall asleep when in hit me like a ton of bricks. i think that she had been comparing my two suitors to those beverages. she talked about how one made you feel so unlike yourself and then left you with a hangover and regrets and how the other just let you put your feet up for a few minutes left you feeling warm and satisfied and steeled your nerves for the rest of your day. 

i am not sure why she was a spinster lady, but i do know there were rumors of her having a “friendship” years ago with an actor who was already married. from the tone of that talk, i think she may have had a taste of the spirits at one time and all she really wanted was a cup of hot tea to sustain her every day. 

so even when my sonnet writer asked me to write him and to call and to come back... i didn’t. i came back to the states and i married a man who is a steady and warm as a cup of tea at breakfast and at 4 p.m. (which are the times in which i have a cuppa tea daily). i have never been a big imbiber of the alcoholic beverages and she was absolutely correct in her analogies for that choice at that time of my life. even without her little lecture, i don’t think that i would ever have stayed with the actor. but remembering her voice when she held up that cup of tea and wistfully talked to me has reassured me many times that tea is a choice that we can make for a lifetime....

#16 one lesson from a shrew and one from a spinster...

subtitled... why i love shakespeare and drink hot tea

 spent my junior year abroad (and the rest of my college years, i was just a regular girl... ba ding ching, insert drum sound here....) anyway while i was in stratford, UK being all shakepearean and theatrical (which is pretty much how i still spend my days), i learned two important lessons.... 

here is what i learned from the ending of “taming of the shrew” ...

while we were discussing the play “the taming of the shrew”, the professor from stratford, uk was explaining how the final speech by katherine (the shrew that is “tamed”) can end the play on a depressing note (she is beaten down and bested by her husband) or a triumphant note (it is all a joke and she has triumphed and made a great marriage). the theme of the whole play can be changed by how the lines are read. 

i remember writing in my notebook in nice swirly letters “her attitude can determine if it is tragedy or triumph”. and then i looked at what i had written and thought that i certainly was a genius and would be touring the country soon with speaking engagements galore based on my incredible insight at 20 years of age. ok, so i was a bit overdramatic even at that age... 

but nevertheless, it is something that has influenced my life. no matter the hand i am dealt (the lines of the play that are given to me), i CHOOSE the way that i say them (linked to my dr. blazer story on that one, didn’t i? you are reconsidering the genius part, aren’t you?). everyone can leave the theater of LEA depressed or in a great mood. i like the latter of the endings. i also wished everyone paid $$$$ to enter the theater of LEA to hear my lecture on “shakespeare changed my life”, but that is not happening. but some people are reading my blog, so that has to count for something...

and then there was the little old spinster lady who ran the boarding house where i was living. you see, SHOCK TO YOU ALL COMING AHEAD... even though technically i was still kind of sort of dating adam, i was kind of sort of seeing an actor guy in stratford. he was very exciting, wrote sonnets to me, and was a member of the royal shakespeare company, so let’s just say that i was getting some GREAT ideas for all of my papers. 

i remember sitting down with the old spinster lady who ran the boarding house and having a cuppa tea one afternoon (she didn’t sit and talk to us a lot so it was a bit awkward) and she politely asked about my current suitor (the boisterous actor). i explained that he was fun and exciting but that i kind of sort of had a boyfriend back home. i began to describe hard working adam who was working in atlanta in a start up company and trying to make ends meet, some of the sweet things he had mailed me (like secret deodorant since they didn’t sell it in the uk.) and other small things about him... she then began to talk about the difference between hot tea and spirits (alcoholic beverages). i thought she might have had a bit too much of each beverage since this talk was making no sense. i just nodded a lot.

i really thought she was a bit off her rocker until later that night as i was just about to fall asleep when in hit me like a ton of bricks. i think that she had been comparing my two suitors to those beverages. she talked about how one made you feel so unlike yourself and then left you with a hangover and regrets and how the other just let you put your feet up for a few minutes left you feeling warm and satisfied and steeled your nerves for the rest of your day. 

i am not sure why she was a spinster lady, but i do know there were rumors of her having a “friendship” years ago with an actor who was already married. from the tone of that talk, i think she may have had a taste of the spirits at one time and all she really wanted was a cup of hot tea to sustain her every day. 

so even when my sonnet writer asked me to write him and to call and to come back... i didn’t. i came back to the states and i married a man who is a steady and warm as a cup of tea at breakfast and at 4 p.m. (which are the times in which i have a cuppa tea daily). i have never been a big imbiber of the alcoholic beverages and she was absolutely correct in her analogies for that choice at that time of my life. even without her little lecture, i don’t think that i would ever have stayed with the actor. but remembering her voice when she held up that cup of tea and wistfully talked to me has reassured me many times that tea is a choice that we can make for a lifetime....